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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Why is it that I always fall for the men who think that my loving them is some sign of weakness or instability? Why is it that they ask for someone who will love them unconditionally and stick by them, defending them to the death for a lifetime, but when they reveal their first perceived weakness or ugliness and I accept it… they freak out? The fact is that I truly do believe that if you care about someone, you accept everything about them… no, not just accept it, love it because it is part of who they are and they are worthy of love. I have a great deal of patience, compassion, and I have a strong enough sense of self to let their peculiarities roll off me. Mark for instance, with his snappish temper… I knew that he was just reacting to whatever was going on in his life, that I was a safe place to vent… and let it go. I told him not to be mean if he was… but other than that… I was willing to be that safe place to let out his frustrations. So why is it that if I am willing to apologize if I think there may have been hurt feelings, or hug if I feel that someone needs to be reminded that they are loved… that’s a bad thing? If I adore them, why does that mean there is something wrong with me? LOL Perhaps it goes to the fact that I keep falling for men who deep down don’t think they are deserving of love… that they will ever really get it, so when I show it… they reject it as emotionality, or just Kim being Kim. Maybe it is a case of too good to be true, and they are afraid to believe it? I guess that doesn’t make it about me then, huh? Well, to them I would say, please don’t make your issues my issues. I have enough of my own. Trust being the major one. If I tell you that I care about you, and that you are worthy of all the love and loyalty and trust and compassion and passion that someone possesses… a lifetime of it… trust me. I am not delusional, unbalanced or on mood altering medication. It’s the truth as I see it, and if you are willing to love me as unconditionally… things could be really amazing. The Kim is good; the Kim is wise. So, I wait for this miraculous person… lol. My friends tell me that he will appear, and I hope that they are right, because I am an amazing person too… and I don’t deserve anything less than what I am willing to give. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I received the call this morning that Pugs's kidneys had failed, so decided to just let him go. It was an easy decision in the end, although the consequences will take some time to get over. He had a great life. He loved me well, I loved him incredibly. I will miss him a lot. |
| I went to visit Pugs today. Sat beside him... he never even twitched an ear towards me. His body is still breathing, but Pugs is gone. Stayed with him for two hours. Told him that if he could at all manage it, I would rather he came home for another ten years, but if not... Dami and I will be okay. I am going to miss him though. Tomorrow the bloodwork comes back, but I am already 99% sure of what it will say. If it isn't hopeful I will tell them to let him go, and we will bring him home and bury him next to Kitt. So, that's the tears part. Then I had to pick up some groceries and headed into North Bay. Felt great... full of peace and really feeling beautiful and strong... and I guess it showed because I saw people watching me everywhere. The flag guy at the construction stared at me the whole time I drove past... people in the gorvery store watched me go by... and not that 'I have a booger'... or 'WHAT A FREAK' stare... it was a 'hmmm... there is something about her'... stare. Yep. It felt great and showed in my walk BABY!!!! When I got home I had to relay the news about Pugs so more tears. Then I came in and read the ongoing battle in Michael Wonch  's blog and laughed my guts out. OMG! So funny. He insulted me, so I wanted to duke it out... he chickened out and decided to invade Canada. Hmph!Well, now I am going to go and get to work and wait for my friend to arrive. Be good, and thanks everyone for all your support. Last time I went through this I had Mark hugging me every ten minutes...  I miss him despite everything. He was a good friend.Oh well, I have another good friend I can talk to... so will do that. |
| Some of you went through the Pugs traumas last year when he was first diagnosed with diabetes and almost died on me then... well, Thursday he started throwing up, went off his food and started drinking like crazy and then throwing it all up... started at night of course, so I stayed up with him all night, babied him, got him through to morning. By sunup he couldn't really walk... had no strength. Took him to the vets at 9AM... they discovered that his blood sugar was way out of control, so kept him. Called last night to tell me that he might not make it through the night. Called this morning to say that he was a little stronger... tried to meow when she moved him... but no urine, so his kidneys might have shut down. We'll see. She is calling tonight. I know a lot of people don't get my bond with Pugs and Dami... but all those years that I was completely alone and in pain... they were my constant, unswervingly loving companions. If he goes, my heart will mend, but it will take some time. |
| Have you ever had an irrational dislike of someone for no reason at all? They do something out in the world that only vaguely effects you, and even though you try to put it aside, every time you see them, your eyes narrow? LOL I have that problem with a member of WDC who has committed no offence to me other than commenting in a blog... no wait, that implies that the act of commenting was offensive... it was not. It was a lovely, supportive comment and.... grrrrr... LOL So everytime I find myself scowling at this poor individual's handle, I make myself think something nice about them. Hopefully that will work soon. Poor individual... I am insane I think. |
| NOT! But here is where the timid types can peel out and pretend they never saw this entry. Had the most amazing orgasm of my life last night. It fulfilled all the criteria... LOL *wink* It was just amazingly intense... but here's the kicker. My usual orgasms have a brief phase that I call the pushing phase... where it feels like I am going to explode, and then it settles into the contraction phase... the longest one has ever lasted even with me working at stretching it out is about 30 minutes. I was lying in bed after the one last night, all cozy in my sheets, waiting to go to sleep... and still in the explosion stage... the muscles would contract if I forced them, but otherwise... no way. I fell asleep 30 minutes later still like that. Woke up an hour later... still like that except with the tiniest of twitch contractions... was up for about a half hour, and it was still there when I fell asleep. Got up this morning... still having the orgasm. It went into the contraction phase and stayed there until late this afternoon, early this evening. That's right... a 12 hour orgasm... wow... need more of those... and I highly recommend them. Really.   |
| Wow, a productive and happy day. I outlined 32 dogs, finished 10 completely. Woohoo! Spent the whole day listening to music, taking things chilled. And now I am off to bed feeling really okay for the first time in a long time. I say it a lot, but I am blessed. So very blessed. I own nothing, I barely scratch by paying the bills, but I always make it... I am lucky to do what I want for a living, not what I have to... I have a few amazing friends... and now I have Him... I am blessed. |
| i often find myself amazed at how life works... at the way that God sends gifts into our lives and the timing of those gifts. i spent the day on a fairly even keel other than being blue every time that song came along. Got some work done, probably not enough, but some. my ebay account is suspended again because of my having no cash and i can't pay it until Friday, so it isn't a big rush to work anyway. Although there is a commissioned painting that i am nearly done... *winks at el* Overall, not an outstanding day until i logged onto the net at about 4:00 PM. When i arrived online, my new friend, of whom most of you are already familiar, was online as well. At the moment He said hello, my day did a swift turn for the better... and the erotic. *Don't worry you who are shocked and dismayed by post 128... i shall not go into detail here... well, much detail, anyway...* There is something about this man that completely chills me out. A large part of that i am certain is due to the fact that our relationship has concrete boundaries. There is no wondering about where i stand with Him. I know. For the most part, even though i am still learning, i know what to expect and what is expected of me. That is a tremendous relief after the weirdness of other WDC relationships. But the boundaries can't explain it all. There is just some quality... or a pile of them... that leaves me both feeling completely bare and exposed, and totally okay with that. Have you ever had a friendship... or non-romantic relationship with someone who just engendered trust? Well, anyway, maybe i am not making any sense here, but it makes sense where it matters, inside me. He pushes me to discover about me, and i am rapidly learning... even though i sometimes get upset and frustrated at myself and how shut off i am from my sensuality... and i am not just talking sexuality, i mean how closed off from any of my senses. of course, getting upset and frustrated just make it worse, and then i have to chill out and reset, but... that's me. i demand perfection from myself, and not with practice... oh no, i have to get things right the first time! Thanks for that little gift, Dad. He is completely cool through it, though. Cool, supportive understanding, inventive and in a few short days has made it okay for me to be myself with him... all my quirks and predelictions included. That alone is a rare gift in this world. i hope that i am able to allow Him to be Himself with me the same way. This afternoon He gave me a writing assignment... to write a piece of erotica about a kinky fantasy. When it was finished, He had my put it in my port where it is viewable if you so wish. Be warned, He assigned me a kinky fantasy. it is remarkably freeing to get something like that down, put it out in the world and own it... not just own it, but celebrate it. This is me, world... get over it. HA!So, with the sharing and exploring that He and i have done today... what started out as so so... damn fine day in the end. God has blessed me with an awesome gift. Yay! |
| I've recently begun listening to Pink quite a lot. She's so intelligent and her lyrics reflect my political, social and emotional leanings. Was listening to "I'm not Dead" today, and could not get through the following song without breaking down. Why do we get so attached to one another? Why do we vanish without a word and hurt one another so badly in so many ways? Who Knew Pink you took my hand, you showed me how You promised you'd be around Uh huh, that's right I took your words amd I believed in everything you said to me Yah huh, that's right If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause they're all wrong, I know better 'cause you said forever and ever. Who knew? Remember when we were such fools and so convinced and oh so cool Oh no no no I wish I could touch you again I wish I could still call you friend. I'd give anything When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong But they kne better Still you said forever and ever-who knew? I'll keep you locked in my head Until we meet again Until we, until we meet again And I won't forget you my friend... etc. LOL The rest is repeating, and I am lazy. Applicable to my situation to the extreme, yes? Anyway... listen to the album if you haven't. It's pretty good. Okay, off to do things. |
| Since I have joined WDC, I have had a few men express interest in me. Until they see my pic or meet me in person and then they vanish. Being amazing, loving, supportive, etc. only gets you so far in this world. When they see me, that all vanishes behind my weight. Only two haven't vanished. One is Mike... and he is still waiting to see if I lose enough weight to become the woman he wants. So, we're at friends and holding forever. Edited to say... to heck with him... seriously. If he doesn't know he wants me... he should go waste someone else's time. I am too good for him. The other was Mark. Yes, after he found out that I am not thin, he did decide we shouldn't have a relationship any more, but at least he stuck around and spent a year building a solid friendship. He became my best friend, my most trusted and loved... and then just over a month ago, he vanished too. All the guys who dumped me early on hurt my feelings, but Mark... he has broken my heart.  After all that time and all the love... I didn't matter after all. I don't matter after all. He was my best friend... the person I relied on as my anchor...And no matter how amazing he thought I am... in the end... never mattered. I hope some day it matters in a way that outlasts how I look and the shifting tides of life. That would be great. |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
