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 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| 4:34 in the A.M. Do you ever feel so 'blah' that you actually dread trying to go to sleep because then you'll be forced to lie in bed and actually have your mind focused 100% on the fact that you just feel like shit? Was that not one of the longest sentences in the world? You know what word I love? Gibber. That's right. Gibber. Defined as: "to prattle and chatter unintelligibly". I gibber a lot. Going to try to crawl back into bed me thinks. Nemasu! |
| Today was just bleck. I woke up with a splitting sinus headache. I'm not normally prone to sinus issues, but when they do come around they tend to kick my ass. Worst of all, I don't normally take any medication to help clear it up, so when I do yield to using a sinus medication it tends to do more bad than good. I woke up at 10:30, swallowed down two sinus tablets at about 10:35, and fell back asleep at 11:00 and didn't stir from my drug enduced coma until Shauna's friend came knocking at my door somewhere around 3:30. I'm suprised she came in. I had drool coming down one side of my face wearing nothing but my Flogging Molly T-Shirt and my boxers. If that doesn't scream White Trash I'm not sure what does. I still feel like crap, too. It's 3:25 and because I downed a bunch of Monster energy drinks to be conscious for my brother's birthday celebration I'm fidgeting like a tweaker in the midst of a meth binge. There was something funny that went on tonight, and it harkens back to yesterday's blog post about April Fool's Day. Tiffany, a waitress over at the Comedy Club we frequent, called her husband who was out of town doing a comedy tour and told him she was pregnant. She made the call at the beginning of the evening and didn't call to tell him she was full of shit, and not baby fetus, until the three hour show was finished. Now that's comedy. Alright. I'm off to bed and hopefully a healthy morning. Oyasumi.  |
| April Fool's Day is tomorrow. (Angry Gothness of Everlasting Spooky Anger coming out) I dislike greatly how the general publics ideal way of pulling a prank on the unsuspecting public is to do things like switch letters around, or how GamePro(a magazine I've been reading for eleven odd years) has LamePro. April Fool's Day is about doing something down right evil to someone, and be able to do it all in the spirit of a Holiday. (Suffice to say, that isn't what April Fool's Day is really about, but you all probably know this) What would be funny to me? How about you temporarily delete someone's account. Now that is comedy. Or how about running over someone's dog? Okay, that might be a bit over the top. April Fool's Day just so happens to be my younger brother's birthday. He is now the ripe old age of 22. Past his prime and beginning the inevitable downslope that follows. 25 is the last refuge. Yay for insurance discounts. So bitter. Sleepy. Must go to bed. (End Angry Gothness of Everlasting Spooky Anger) |
| God I'm such a geek. I'm always aware that I am, but sometimes I'm moreso conscious of it. Kingdom Hearts 2 came out yesterday. I've played it through a bit, and I have to say thanks to Japan. They never let me down. If any of you out there are thinking to yourself, "Man, that game is retarded. I love Square games, but Disney characters? Come on." I felt the same way until I got the first game on a fluke. My 'ex' washed my phone and as a "sorry" present she bought the game for me. It only took me about 15 minutes of playing to become so inexplainably hooked to it that you would have had to cut my hands off with a hatchet to get me to go outside for a week. Just try it. Go on. Everybody's doing it. On other topics, I've been working on a comic for my dad. It's a recruiting tool for Junior High Students. Ya, I know, a lot of people are probably groaning. Suffice to say, it's one of the more important things I've done with my time. I'm not strong into being the military man either, and trust me, being the only child in a family that isn't in the Air Force can be a bit of a burden, but I've never come to doubt the significance of our armed forces, or the opportunities it can provide. If you can tell me a place where you can not only get an assosciates degree in Computer Networking, sallary, medical benefits, and someone to pay for your college completely while only having to participate two days out of a month, then please, tell me. I need a new job. I've been wondering if there is something wrong with me lately, yet again, when don't I? Seriously though, it's been gnawing at the fringes of my mind. Life seems to be on an upswing lately. I have some of my oldest friends back, life is beginning to pick up the pace, and for some reason I can't help but to fight back this ongoing rush of depression. The dam hasn't broke, but for some reason I always feel like all it would take for me to break would be a feather to fall on my shoulder. Sometimes I can't help but to feel like I just want to cry, to break down, but I never seem to let myself do it. It's like an older brother keeping his younger brother from running into the street. I'm still hurting from April. No matter how hard I've tried to keep her out of my life lately, she keeps "popping" into the picture. Either Shauna is coming home to tell me something else she is fucking herself up with, or another letter showing up at my place with her name on it even though she said she changed her address, or her texting me to ask me if I know where something of her's is. I think some of the problem stems from this constant bickering in my mind. This talk between my heart and my mind, and the disappointment of the latter. I can't help but to think that if for some reason she showed up at my door tomorrow and asked to be back with me I couldn't help myself but to say "yes". My mind says, "Of course we wouldn't. Just LOOK at what she has done to us!" Then my heart, in the faintest of whispers says "I wish I could just hold her." Then it's a fight. A struggle. One telling the other they're wrong. One trying to rationalize while the other simply gushes with emotion screaming that everyone makes mistakes. It's a vicious cycle, and if, like an abusive parent, I could beat them both into a sense of cowering fear I think I would. Nothing quiets two bickering children like five to the face. Anyways, I'm out on my porch freezing. It is time to go inside and play a bit of Kingdom Hearts 2 before I go to bed. |
| Ugh. There is something fucked up about your friends, family, and Holy Ghost waking you up every morning when you've been up to nearly 5 the previous night playing games with a friend. Sometimes I feel like I'm not destined to sleep. Instead I'm doomed to a life of zombie-like awareness. Nerr... Today is my brother Steve's 30th B-Day. Fucking old man. I will be going to my parent's house later for a bit of Poker and Cake. Mmm...cake. After that I will be throwing the social event of the year: a LAN party. For the uninitiated, a LAN party is where a large mass of geeks congregate in one place and do practically what they do every other day: sit and play games with their friends over the computer. But instead of doing it within the cave like interior of their bedroom at their parents house, they will be doing it in the cave like interior of my front room. Ah the wonders of technology. Anyways, I got to get my ass in gear. I got shit to do. |
| I was sitting outside on my back patio for a while smoking and looking at the night sky. For a while I thought, "I wish I could go back two or three hundred years just so I could sit out somewhere in a field and look at the night sky. I can't even imagine how many stars there must have been back then." And then I think, "Yet, I can't imagine what it must have been like to live back then." To which the thought comes to my head: "The further we go with technology the further away we get from heaven." Which leads me to thinking, "The only stars out tonight are those that are bright enough to make it past our own lights." This leads me to think, "Is this what our society, or even life in general is? Those who can't shine bright enough just disappear into the darkness?" I don't know. Heavy, I know. Not really, just a couple thoughts that made it across my mind intact. |
| I've been hired on at a new job. It's working at a Microchip Fab called "Freescale". Pay is great, even if the hours are a bit wacky. 12 hour shifts. Graveyard. I go in Wednesday to finish off the paperwork. A part of me is ecstatic. Another part of me though, is screaming at me. I went to GameWorks with my brother tonight and it just brushed too many touchy memories. GameWorks was the first place I went on a date with April. The evening of the 20th. I turned 23 there and she turned 20. Our first kiss was memorialized with her complete and utter domination of me at Tekken 4. On top of that there was a bit too much discussion of my other 'ex', Marne. Every time I think of her I go into this horrible hell of personal examination. In a mere 30 seconds I seem to call into awareness every inadequacy I have about myself. Every little chip, crack, scratch, and dent brought to my attention in comparison to her shining example of what it is to be a self-motivated go-getter in the new millenium. Ugh. My general bitterness is finding a way to outrun my damage control. I apologize for the general lack of comedic material in my blogs of late, or my normal attempt to make my blog educational in some light. I'm almost done with Choke by Chuck Pahlaniuk, and I have to admit: it's quite good. You would be doing a disservice if you didn't read his books. Unless you don't like smart asses. Which, if you don't, I'm not quite sure why you are reading this rag. Oh well. Time to go have a Cigarette and kill me some terrorists. You should be seeing some writing up tomorrow. Not really feeling typing it up right now. So bitter. Oh so bitter. |
| I can't quite shake this sadness now. It goes back to my thoughts last night of Scott still being in contact with Marne. I don't know why, but this is just consuming my mind like a wildfire through dead grass. The one thing I didn't put in the post last night was my fear of the things he would say to her. I know that I won't say anything cruel or mean about Marne, but yet I fear what he might say to her. The real question I should be asking myself is: "Why do I care?" Why do I? It's been over a year since the last time I talked with her, and yet here I stand 365+ days later still fearing what she might think about me. Be mindful of your feelings. This stupid matra keeps trumpeting in my skull. I've been trying to figure out why I have this fear. I think I know the reasons that are leading to these feelings. I still compare myself to others and their success. Simple as that. Worse yet, is the fact that I really compare myself to my 'ex' still. It's a sick cycle. I feel like I have to prove myself to her, to show her that I'm not the things she broke up with me about. Yet, even a year later I'm not sure I can say that I have satisfied those requirements. My life has been, at best, a rollercoaster. With the growing peak of success comes this plunge of destruction and depression. I'm confused about the whole thing. A part of me hates to think that I might just have to run into Scott. To actually have to see him. For some reason I'm afraid of him, simply because he still can talk with Marne. Ugh. It doesn't quite make sense. My brain still can't wrap itself around it. If I find an answer I'll make sure to write it up here for you. |
| It's been a weird week filled with more walks down memory lane than I could ever imagine. My friend Raja came over today to hang out. It's been about two years since I really talked with him last. We had a bit of a fallout after a certain problem arose between Raja, our friend Scott, and my girlfriend at the time Marne. Suffice to say, things never quite came to a peaceful resolution and so we lost touch. Today, however, we rebuilt those bridges. I'm actually happy to be back with my old friends. It's nice. Feels like if only a bit I can return to a better time. Yet, with that comes some problems with me. I'm scared. Why am I scared you ask? Because Scott, the guy that had caused a very rough patch for me and my now 'ex', is to my knowledge still talking with her. Something that used to bother me during our relationship, because she talked with him back then. There is a lot of fear in that for me. A lot. I don't even know why there is, but there is. I'm afraid that Marne tells people horrible things about me to everyone. Especially to Scott. I'm still angry about Scott, but I think a lot of the anger I feel now is nothing more than the faint echoes of my pain at losing Marne. I fear having Scott come around because I shudder at the thought that somehow information will get back to Marne about where I am now in my life. For some reason she fucked me in the head so bad that to think of myself not graduated and not a multi-millionaire at this point in my life is almost like getting kicked in the stomach. Sometimes my mind is ridiculous. I know this. On to better news. I just got back from seeing 'V for Vendetta', and let me just say this: wow. Best movie I've seen in I can't even begin to remember. The Wachowski's did such a powerful job with the story telling. Suffice to say, if you have 8 dollars and don't want to spend it on meth, go see this movie. Anyways, my brother is antsy and wants to play a game with me. So I'm outtie. |
| Finally I can stop wallowing in my own filth. I.e.: attempting to steal bandwidth from the neighbors house. I called Qwest and had to sit on phone with technical support for like 3 hours as they went back and forth trying to figure out what was wrong. For some reason it seemed like they were having choppy service to my apartment complex. Eventually it was fixed, but no solution was ever offered. I'm just going to assume the hamster on that partciular wheel had been having chest pains and eventually died out. I got a game today. I haven't played it yet. It's called Battlefield 2. I get to shoot people, and for some reason I'm feeling that right now. I need to clean my apartment too. Ugh. Stupid apartment. WHY CAN'T YOU CLEAN YOURSELF?! Actually, it probably could if we didn't destroy it so quickly. I greatly dislike cleaning filth. Filthy, filth, filth. This is me when I first wake up in the morning. Damn I need to get a new job besides working for my mom. More later. |
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