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 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| Yesterday was a pretty fun day. I went to work, got to have a steak with my parents, and then hung out with my friend Jinx for a couple of hours. We pretty much sat around and bitched about our stations in life, smoked, and played Mancala. She pretty much whipped my ass on every game we didn't play for money. The games we did play for money were spent with her grovelling at my knees. In the end she took the money off the table and said I was hustling her. April's stuff is now officially out of my house. Now I just need to clean out the rest of her presence. I can't remember the last time I've had such conflicting emotions. On the left hand I'm happy she's gone and out of my life. The possible nightmares that were on the verge of always spilling out are something I feel relieved not to have to deal with. Yet, on the right, I still have everything else: hurt, pain, betrayal. I still want to go on a postal induced killing spree. Anyways... I'm going to be going out to lunch with my long-lost friend Mario today. This kid is quite possibly the most amazing artist I've ever had the pleasure to meet. He's done some character designs for my stories before and he's just great. With that, I must shower. For the stink of clean must be obtained. |
| I've practically spent the whole weekend at my parents. My mother had oral surgey on Friday and my dad had to work so I was left the task of looking after her. Hell froze over yesterday. It rained the entire day out here(breaking the 130 day drought) and also turned it into an arctic wonderland. I went to Barne's and Noble at like 1:30 and it was 39 degrees in Arizona. To put things in perspective, last week it was near the 90's. Finally got a new cell phone. God living on your own blows for life's small necessities. The irony was, I couldn't get a new phone because I was too busy paying my plan. The devil works in mysterious ways. As for my writing I'm conflicted. I want to write this story about where I worked but it's really such a tender subject in my heart that I can't do it justice without devolving into a blubbery mush of hatred and rejection. Thus, I think I'm going to work on one of my previous stories. The one that seems to be coming to mind is Joren(a.k.a. Lost). The idea came to me as I was wandering around the bookstore yesterday. I stopped writing lost after a while because I was putting too much of my personal pain at the time and it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. To be very honest I think the story needs that pain in it, and now that that relationship is over I'm feeling kind of good about taking another stab at it. I've been on a diet as of late. Trying to get back down to my boxing weight. Time to give the ladies something to whistle about. ~Almost barfs in his mouth~ Anyways, I'm outtie for a bit. West side. |
| Today has been a long day. It was my first day back working with for my mom. I didn't work with her, but it was the first day back on the job as a faux painter. Suffice to say my time away from the job has only proved one thing to me: this isn't what I want to be doing. I had to quell another fight today between Shauna and April. It had to do with her remaining items. Shauna and April got their panties in a twist over some games of mine April still has, and so I called and had to settle things. On a suck note I went and saw Ultraviolet. Worst. Movie. Ever. 'Nuff said. To spend any more time on it would be to show a great lack of respect for myself. And to end the night I can go to sleep happy tonight. It's weird, but it is true what I am about to say. I saw the last blog I'll ever read from April today. In it she wrote how Shauntae has in just the past couple of days made her the happiest she has ever been in her life. Ironically? I'm happy. I know that Shauntae will take care of her. Hopefully my nightmares will be at ease too. I've been having reoccuring nightmares lately. The worst part is: I don't remember them. I've been waking up in a cold sweat scared out of my mind. Last night though I had one I remembered. It was weird. I was like in Jurassic Park or something. For a while I was being chased down by a T-Rex. Then people were being ran in circles and devoured by Velociraptors. Then I met up with my ex-Marne. I finally woke up just before I had to get up for work. I feel good. Better than I have in a long time. Have I finally found a weird sense of Zen? Or has my mind completely snapped? |
| Last night was a trying evening. When I got home last night I talked with April online for a bit. I told her that I would be sending the rest of her stuff with Shauna. I told her that I loved her, will always love her, and that I hope she continues to move in a positive direction with her life. Shauntae was the hard one to talk with. She sent me an e-mail at around two in the morning. I was up because I couldn't sleep and she sent me quite possibly one of the nicest things I have ever read. She said she couldn't believe what she had done, how she wished that I would have come upstairs after April told her and just beat the hell out of her so that I could stop hurting. She said my kindness was the last thing she expected. In closing she said that she thought I was quite possibly the most amazing male she had ever met, and that she hated to think that she lost me because of her actions. I simply wrote her back and told her she wasn't a bad person, and that I could understand why she would want to do what she did: April is an amazing girl with amazing potential. I told her that I couldn't be her friend though because I was just hurt too much this week, betrayed once too often, and left to bleed for too long. I turned a moment of pain and suffering into something of good, and today I feel really proud of myself even if I wish this pain in my chest would go away. I would like to thank Shattered Angel for her nomination. When I get home I'm going to make sure to put this in my sig. |
| Well today was the final brush stroke on a grotesque mural. Today my 'ex' pulled me outside to tell me something that had been bothering her. She sits me down and says, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want this to ruin a friendship." My first thought? "Fuck." "Okay, well," she starts off, "Shauntae and I have really strong feelings for one another, and we want to be together." Shauntae is, was, one of my best friends. We had become great friends over the past couple of months. We met at my previous job, and I was friends with her longer than I was even dating April. Over the past couple of days I have leaned on Shauntae. She has been my friend, and constantly she has told me that she couldn't believe what April was doing to me. How she thought that was incredibly fucked up. Last night she told me she was actually going to stand up to April and tell her she couldn't believe what she was doing to me because of her finding some girl on MySpace. Fuck it, I ain't going to be nice right now: some dyke. Actually, her MySpace name is "HornyDyke". She was the girl responsible for the hickeys. Today, it makes a lot more sense. She wasn't so pissed off about how she was treating me, but pissed off because she didn't get there first. I went upstairs afterwards. I just stood up after that and said I had to go back upstairs. I went into the bathroom and threw up. I couldn't keep my lunch down. I couldn't think straight. Anger was making me shake, I wanted to hit everything in my sight. I could hardly keep myself from just breaking down into a raging beast a la the Hulk. I grabbed my stuff, told my supervisor I was sick and had to cut out early. I stopped at Shauntae's desk, put my hand on her chair so she would turn around and I just told her, "Make her happy." Then I walked out. Left. Nothing else said. Nothing else done. I came straight over to my parents house. I didn't know what else to do. I called my mom, my dad, anyone that I could get ahold of. I talked with Cas, with my roommate, anyone that could listen and I just cried. I punched the solid oak desk of my parents(very un-buddhist like) and I think I might have put a fracture in my left knuckle. For some reason, that felt good. I have now filled an ash tray with cigarettes. I bought a pack today and went through every single one of them. I've constantly asked myself today, "What the fuck have I done to deserve this? Why are people like this? Why would they take someone's heart that has done nothing but tried to help them and burn it to ash, like so many cigarettes I have done tonight?" I have decided to put in my resignation there at work. I just can't be stuck in an office with them. The betrayal has gone too far and I just couldn't live with it. It would eat and fester at my heart and eventually I would be sunk into the depression I was in a couple of months ago. Or worse. I wish I was still in Karate. I miss it right now. I want nothing more than to go Spar. I want to get my ass kicked and kick ass. I want to push myself to exhaustion. I want to get all of this aggression out. I want to stare a white belt down and dominate them. I want to get in close and slam every hit I can home. I want them to get angry with me, I want them to swing wildly back. I want to feel their hits slam into any spot I'm too careless to guard. I want to go home hurting, bruised, tired, and satisfied. For just one night I want to make the world suffer for every second I've had to. I want someone to return that back to me ten fold. I want to give every ounce, every strand, every piece of flesh and sinue. I want the world to die, and I want to be the one responsible. If Darth Vader existed, I would come to the Dark Side in a second. I would force choke every dumb son of a bitch that came my way. Every snide look. Every demeaning look. Every fake laugh. Every fake smile. All whiped off the faces of the stupid jack ass that invoked my rage. Fuck, I'm sorry guys. This is rage unchecked in my mind. |
| I read my meditations book today. I swear that thing was written for me, for this exact moment in time. I thought a lot about it today, and I sent a message to April. I apologized for cussing her out the other night. I even put out an invitation for a friendship. The book just got me to thinking about my last relationship with Marne. It took me so long to get over her, and I think a lot of the reason behind it was because I was so adamant at hating her. I would try to find any reason possible to hate her. I was beginning to do that with April, and the harder I pushed for me to just hate her, the harder my mind pushed back to realize what I was doing. Trust me, it isn't easy. She came to work today with two of the biggest fucking hickies on her neck from her brand new MySpace girlfriend. Met her fucking on-line. This is what I was swapped out for. Oh well. In those books one thing just screamed truth at me: it's just too hard to hate. I'm tired of it. Tired of being angry. I can live with sad. I can live with not getting what I want. I can't, however, live with being angry. It just eats me up body and soul. I started a little splurge tonight...just kind of popped out after I finished writing that letter to April and thinking about today in general. Working title: 3skp “How the fuck does she read this?” James asked himself as he threw his borrowed copy of Buddhism for Dummies to the bed. “Just imagine nothing matters. Imagine that the world is nothing more than a flowing river. Jesus fucking Christ, I imagine I’d enjoy hanging on a damned cross over having to listen to Buddha ramble on and on about the fact that nothing matters.” James hunched himself over his desk, his elbows pushing his keyboard further up the desk causing trash to fall behind it like one of those chance games at Peter Piper Pizza. “So basically, if the Buddha had his way, I’m simply supposed to forget that I work at a job with my ‘ex’ girlfriend, who now happens to be a lesbian, who now happens to have half the office raised in arms against me, who is also fucking some girl in my friend’s car while he does nothing to really stop the whole affair.” Two sympathetic red eyes stared at him from under his bed. “Sorry, Cameron. Didn’t mean to wake you up.” James rolled his chair over to the bed, placing his hand underneath the falling blankets to pull out his ferret, Cameron. His coat was the color of his blank apartment walls, a shining white that did little for his room, but made James love his furry companion even more. He picked him because he stood out from all the others both physically and personality wise. “What do you think I should do? Should I assume you don’t exist?” Cameron yawned. “I suppose I bore you too unless I have a treat. Not that you can hear my anyways,” James whispered to himself. An often unknown fact about albino animals - they tend to be deaf, or so his veterinarian said. Cameron skittered away as soon as his pink little feet touched the floor. James watched after him for a moment, wishing that he could just run away and sleep somewhere. Somewhere someone would take care of him. |
| Not sure what to write about. Just wanted to put something down before I went to bed tonight. I'm being a bad kid. I fucked my DSL modem on accident and I have to wait for a replacement install disc from Qwest. The reason I'm being a bad kid is because I'm using a network of someone here in the apartment complex. It's okay, I don't eat much. I don't know if I can really thank Cas enough for her support this last week. She's listened to me whine, bitch, and cry for hours on end and somehow she has found the time to make sure to give me another month subscription and give me a merit badge. Thank you cutie, you've helped me keep afloat. I bought a couple Buddhism books today. For some reason they just cried out to me from the bookshelf of Border's "Eastern Thought" section. One's a book of meditations on difficult emotions, and another one is about practical Buddhism in every day life. So far, both have been very enlightening. I would love to sit here and lie to you all. Tell you all that I don't miss April. It's so untrue though that even through text my lie would be as visible as a white sheet of paper trying to hide a blood stain. Today was the day I finally broke down over the whole thing. Not a single tear had been shed since our final seperation. It wasn't until I was talking with Cas. I was talking about April, and how I hope that she stears her life towards a better direction. How I sit here dreading the idea that she is leaving me just to finish herself off. Everyone else in her life is so willing to overlook all of the negative signs. Every single one of them. The better think that as long as she is temporarily happy it can't be that bad. I hope she can wake up from her nightmare. Sometimes I think our relationship must seem like a moment of insomnia. A moment neither awake nor asleep. Simply a period to think about all that sleep you're missing. I dread going to work tomorrow, because I'm going to see her there. She'll be smiling, joking, laughing with her friends while I sit at my desk frowning, sighing, and trying to make sure they don't see the tears build up at the ducts. Life is to hurt. Otherwise, we wouldn't know we're alive. |
| Well, scratch previous statement: April and I are no more. Last night was the end for our relationship. I definately made sure of that. Last night April and I were supposed to go out and do something. She had to leave early from work yesterday to go to court for a ticket, and after she got out she called me at work and told me that she wasn't going to be able to do anything afterwards. So I said cool and hung out with my friend Shauntae. At about 9:30 I tried giving a call to April. She didn't pick up. Tried calling over the next hour, but she never picked up. I finally got hold of her at around 11. I asked her what she was up to and she said, "Hanging out with my friends and sitting online." I was shocked. I just told her that hurt, and that I thought we were going to do something. After that she turned a 180. We were right back to where we were Friday when she broke up with me. She told me that her 'ex' wouldn't allow her to go out and do anything, and that her friends eventually came over to hang out. She then told me that she didn't think our relationship was going to work out because I was being too controlling. I just told her that I was hurt because I missed her so much and she hadn't even attempted to spend any time with me outside of work. Wednesday, the day we got back together, she spent with her friends going out and smoking. She didn't invite me to go, she merely said we would do something on Thursday. After she went on about me being too controlling it went onto me not understanding her. More specifically, my inability too. Then it finally went to "I'm a lesbian" again. That was it. That was the final straw. To take a step back, on Wednesday I asked her over and over again: please be sure if you want to get back together. No point in rushing into something if you are not sure, right? She said she was 100% sure. No doubt. She loved me and no one else. She said she knew she wouldn't find anyone better and she was stupid for thinking otherwise. When I took her back on Wednesday I gave her the rest of my trust. That was all I had to give. If it was betrayed then I wouldn't be able to be there for her anymore. Now back to last night. When she gave me the lesbian line last night I snapped. Absolutely, Jack Nicholson "Here's Johnny!", fucking nuts. She started to give me the same bullshit she has been giving me for days. The same excuse with no reasons. Jumping from place to place for any reason she could find that was resiliant enough to at least stand up to minor scrutany(sp?). I don't think I mentioned this, but we moved on to talking online last night at this point. It's the only way I can ever get her to talk. I told her: "Fuck you April. Fucking leave me alone. Just go be fucking happy. I don't fucking want this anymore, just go the fuck away." Something close to that at least. Not exactly word for word, but I do remember the sentences being composed 90% of the 'f' word. Today when I got to work she started messaging me over MySpace. She asked me if I could be her friend and I just told her I couldn't. Which I can't. If I can't trust you to be honest in things like that, how can I ever trust you to be truthful as a friend? Besides, why the fuck would I want to be her friend? So that I can sit and listen about her new relationships? So that I can sit and watch as she ruins her life more and more. To have to sit and hear her cry all night over the shit she keeps subjecting herself to? I can't do it. After I told her this she came out with a few more excuses for the break up. Most notably, the fact that she says she is bipolar and that only one other person knows about this. Not that she was sorry about anything. Not a single true apology about it. She even went so far as to say that I was "lost" to her and that I brought this upon myself. Today I was just nice and civil. I just told her to take care of herself, that I'll always love her, be happy with whatever you choose to do, and just please leave me alone. After that last message she has done just that - left me alone. She wrote two blogs this morning. One calling me a fucker practically. Saying I had no right to say what I said to her(10% of me agrees). Then the second one she wrote after all was said and done. This one was the pity message. The one I would usually respond to, like I did Monday. Saying she just wishes she could find someone that understands her, who can meet her on her own brainwave(her words, not mine). What she doesn't understand, and what I'm afraid she'll never understand, is that she doesn't try to open up to anyone. No one. Not even to friends. I spent every night with her for over 2 months and the best I was ever able to get out of her was maybe a simple sentence that left too much to be desired in means of a real reason. She needs help. Real help. The poor girl has went through Hell, and then back, and at her current rate she is walking right back down the path to Hell again. In one of her e-mails she begged not to hate her. I told her I'll never hate her, but I can't be with her or be her friend any longer. |
| I am such a fucking free loader. I haven't paid for my Writing.com membership in like 2 months. Why do you people pay for me? Do I smell good? What is it? Not only did Cas, aka loon, put me into the Portfolio Spotlight, she also bought me a damn subscription from the kindness of her deep rooted perverse heart. I figure I at least owe you guys a blog for that. So today has been crazy. April and I are back together. We talked for a long while last night, and today after lunch she came to me and we talked some more. A lot of extra drama happened, and just know that the end result is us being together. Thumbs up for that! Anyways. As previously stated: Cas is a wenis. Which is like a penis, only with a 'w'. And with that said, good day. |
| I woke up this morning in a mix of sadness and anger. I woke up on her side of the bed, staring at a picture of her. I couldn't help but to feel sad that once she came over to remove all of her stuff I would no longer even know she was there except in the memories I have with her. However, I became angry. Angry because I think she is just afraid. Afraid of putting herself in a relationship. I'm almost 100% sure this is what is going on. On her MySpace account she said that she had decided to be a lesbian, and that is why she broke up with me. She said she had been bi...but I know that is bullshit. She's doing it because it's the easy way out. Just the night before, as I posted in my blog yesterday, she said that she was afraid I was going to break up with her. It's like a pre-emptive attack. I don't want him to hurt me so I'll run. |
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