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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Okay you few but faithful readers... this entry is the reason this blog is XGC, so if you don't want to read about me discussing my privates and sexuality... skip this one. Really... it is intensely personal and sexual in nature... I don't want any of you having heart attacks or emailing me to tell me that I am damned or anything... it is my blog after all. I met someone on WDC the other day and we have had a couple of interesting chats. Really intelligent, thoughtful, witty sort of person... the type of man I am drawn to. Tonight we got on the subject of subs and doms... a subject that I find personally intriguing because of my issues with allowing people control over me. If you read this blog, you know why. The conversation escalated to me turning myself over to this man... an exercise in trust that I found both incredibly intense and arousing. He asked me if I wore any silk... which of course, being a very tactile person, I do. Was wearing some right then as a point of fact. He asked how long I had been wearing it... well, I had put it on at like 5PM because my pants were rubbing my incision and making an already aggravated situation worse. Anyway, he told me to take it off. I did. Sitting on the side of my bed in the cold breeze from the window, wearing nothing. He had me describe how I felt... well, you all know that sensation of having all your attention focused on your body and how heightened it can be... every movement of the air like a touch... I was getting very aroused. He asked questions about if I owned toys... which I do... and which ones... then told me I wouldn't need them, so I should leave them put away.  He asked me to describe my hair, and I did. My hair everywhere, that is. Then he told me to shave... and not my head. I did it. I have never needed or wanted to, but I did. He gave me five minutes, and I was to describe the sensations that it left me with when I returned. It left me feeling quite um... intense... like having a blanket over a body part and then taking it away. Also left me quite randy. He asked me if I had ever had an orgasm without being touched. I have not. In truth, I have never had an orgasm prompted by touch. How to put this... touch has never been stimulating enough to prompt one. My threshold because of the abuse, etc. has always been too high. Anyway, he told me that tonight I would have one without being touched. He had me focus on my breathing, and clenching and relaxing my muscles in time with my breathing. Feeling my body's reactions, as far as getting wet, getting tingly... feeling the air on my skin... basically taking the time to feel everything. It was wonderful... all my skin stood up in gooseflesh, and I was aware of myself in a way that I am not aware very often. Most of the time there is no much noise in my head to feel anything. Even, maybe especially, when I am with someone else... I never really focus on how my body is feeling. Having someone else directing me really helped take all that noise away. I felt everything... and became very um... happy.  I didn't get to orgasm though... the little voice in my head that told me I would never be able to do it set up too many blocks... directed my energy in too many directions to get it focused where it needed to be in the amount that I needed.He was very good, just coaxed me into focusing on myself... all of me as a sexual entity. When he told me to go ahead and use my hands to bring about orgasm, and I touched myself down there... holy moly! An intensity I have never felt, even when it was someone else touching me there. Well worth the time spent focusing. And, for the first time ever, I had an orgasm without the appliance. Not the most intense because I still had the voice whispering, "you are too damaged to have orgasms like ordinary folk..." but still, for the first try... I think I did very well. Soon, I'll be good with no hands.  |
| I never do anything the easy way. Went in for my surgery... one moment I was awake, the next I had people yelling at me and I couldn't open my eyes. Woke up with the sorest throat of my life and a really painful neck. The surgeon came up to me and told me that I made them sweat pretty good. I bled a lot and although they got it under control before I needed a transfusion, they had fluids going full bore into me to make up for the loss. I can still feel it... I am wobbly and weak. The reason my throat was so sore is because I stopped breathing and they had to stick a tube down my throat and put me on the ventilator. It was out by the time I woke up though, which is great because I would have freaked. I have a phobia about things in my throat. The top incision--there are five about an inch long--bled like a sucker for 24 hours afterwards. I'd get up to go to the bathroom and blood would be literally running down my stomach. But... four pressure dressings later it gave up. Now, I am fine, just sore and stiff and tired. I managed to paint 16 dogs yesterday, today I am working on some tack. Sitting up hurts less than lying down for the most part because the wrenching on my neck to put the tube in has made my neck and shoulders more sore than my stomach... the actual site of the surgery.  So, now you all know that I am alive and well. And the best part... no more gallstone attacks! Yay!!!!! |
| Gallbladder surgery finally! I have already stopped eating, and have to stop drinking at midnight except for 2 cups of water... and then I can't have anything after 7AM. Have to get up, have an antibacterial shower at 5AM and be on the road to the hospital by 5:30 AM. Joy to the world. See y'all when I return Friday. |
| I am babysitting the dog ranch this weekend, so you know that something had to go wrong. Went out into the kitchen to a six week old puppy screaming in pain, gasping... not good. Called the ve; he said to give it honey and keep it warm. So I did. Called Mom, she has her cell turned off. What is the point of having a cell phone if you keep it turned off while you are away? Anyway, called all over trying to get help and the best I got was the honey advice. So, I bundled it up in a towel, got in the car and headed over to the cottage because my aunt is up this weekend and she is a dog breeder too. She wasn't any help either, but the episode seemed to clear up on its own. Phew. Every time they go away, something major goes wrong... a dog has a seizure or dies of some new disease... I hate looking after the dogs. Hate it. Pugs is still lingering on the edge of a diabetic, toxic crisis, but I can't take him to the vets until Wednesday. Well, if he is bad tomorrow, I will insist that Mom takes him while I am at the hospital in Ottawa. He isn't getting any worse... just not seeming to be getting any better. Anyway, later on last night, I met someone whom I have been reviewing here on WDC and started what I think might be an entertaining friendship. I have commented in their blog on and off. Loves to debate. I do like a good debate, but admit to taking things personally sometimes. Even still, most of what he had to say didn't tick me off. Only one thing did, and it is a complaint I have in general. And that is: People with kids. LOL Okay, not all people with kids, and not because they have kids... but the fact that people with kids sometimes hold themselves at a higher moral and ethical and altruistic place simply based on the fact that they have children. I hate it when someone tells me that I would understand truly caring about someone else more than myself if I had kids. As if I would somehow undergo a magical transformation if I procreated. I get that having kids does transform a great many people's perspectives and teaches them about true lack of selfishness. I also know that just because someone has a kid doesn't make them a better person than a single person. My whole life is about everyone before me... having a kid would just move someone to the head of the line. Look at my parents. They never did anything for us... never gave more of themselves because of us. They never gave as much of themselves in my whole life than I do in a week. And then I am told that I don't understand really, truly deep love because I don't have a kid. LOL If I love someone enough that I would sacrifice everything I am for them, I guess that is not enough. If I would die for someone... still not enough I guess. Is it a different sort of love, of course. Is it a better love than what a person without kids can feel? I don't think so. (I know! I know! If I had kids, I'd understand. SHUT UP!!!) Doesn't the fact that these particular people with kids look down on my emotional altruism say something about their innate selfishness? The fact that they consider themselves more enlightened, more evolved than me simply because I chose not to have kids and fuck them up... that says something to me. What about people who adopt? Are they at some level between the holy natural birthers and us lowly unbirthers? LOL It's insane. I chose not to have kids. I chose to remain single. Not because I like sleeping in... not because I didn't want to be tied down, but because I wasn't emotionally competent enough to do a good enough job of it. Now I am old enough that having a child greatly increases their risk of birth defects... and that would make it so that I have to seriously doubt if I would ever make the choice to have a child. If I got pregnant and had a baby with disabilities, I would love them and be as devoted to that child as anyone could ever ask, but I consider it selfish to expose another person to those risks if I don't have to. Ahhhh!!! The person I was chatting with last night--and I did greatly enjoy the chat, even though that one portion ticked me off--posed a scenario where there was me, my child, one other person and the last scrap of food left on the earth. Either I had to kill to give that scrap of food to my child, or have that child die. I am not that black and white of a thinker. Honestly the first thing that came to my mind was to walk away and find other food. LOL The next thought is that I would hope that I had raised a child who would ask for me to let the other person have it, and then go with me to find more food and give it to other hungry people. My next thought... if it was the last scrap of food on the planet... we are all dead anyway. I just don't think in absolutes. Maybe that is a bad thing, but I think it is a direct product of my imagination. Whenever I am faced with two unpleasant choices, I always come up with a third or fourth or fifth option. I am always looking for another road. Does that make me wishwashy or innovative? LOL Fine line I guess. So... a weird but interesting day. Puppy trying to die, sick cat, new friend... a rant... yep, another day in the life of Kim. |
| I think there is a direct correlation between how much someone demands the undivided truth from you and how trustworthy they are... and it is an inverse correlation. I lived with a roommate for years. Asked her to do three little things... make sure that my cat's insulin got checked to be sure it was good... make sure that he got his shots... and mail something. The item got mailed two weeks later... after I asked why the person was still asking for it. I got home to a cat in crisis... high blood sugar, insulin not working... I have to take him to the vet if things don't start getting better soon. I also thought I had a relationship with someone else... a friendship that was built on something real... on trust, deeper things... and in the end that seems to have earned me a ... "Things are sucking incredibly. I may or may not talk to you in the future." So... I am working on basis that nothing anyone says to me can be trusted any more. I am too trusting. That has to change or I will lose my mind. I swear. I am tired of my faith in people hurting me. I have to wise up. |
| Of just how people rank in my life. Got a call from the Ottawa Civic with a date for my surgery. Before I was even finished with the phone call, had already sent an email to Mark. Somewhere along this road he became the first person I have to tell everything to. After the call, emailed my mother. She's been pestering me for days... ever since the hospital called her to get my number. Have no need to tell my dad... will tell Carl the next time I talk to him--Carl can tell Dad... will let a couple of friends know now... And now you few who subject yourselves to this insanity know. I am finally going to get this gallbladder out! Woohoo! |
| See if you agree with the results. I think my moderates should be in avoidant & dependent. Narcissistic? Me? Disorder | Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: Moderate Antisocial: Low Borderline: Low Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Low Dependent: Low Obsessive-Compulsive: Low URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html |
| I made it to georgia in about 31 hours with only one breakdown. Chuck hemmoraged transmission fluid everywhere, but I was sent to the most amazing mechanic. The kind of guy who renews lagging faith in humankind. So now we are here. Yep. And I am working... kinda. Heh heh. Have to crack the whip with myself today and get some tack made. Or else the screaming will start. See y'all later. |
| despite another problem with Chuck that is now fixed... I am out of here. Everyone keep good thoughts for me and Chuck as we make our way into the American frontier. See you all when I make it to Georgia. |
| I bought it the day before the bad transmission news. I haven't purchased a CD from anywhere but ebay for five years or so. This one is called "Back to Bedlam" by James Blunt. Amazing album. "You're Beautiful" gets a lot of play on the radio here and is a gorgeous song, but his new single, "Wiseman" is also an awesome song. Good album. See... I can make good decisions once in a while.  |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 