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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Feeling sooo much better the past two days. So, no worries to the people who were concerned about my spontaneously combusting... it was just a very blue, very doubtful day. Find myself looking at Mike and feeling all the things I wanted to feel... the warm, fuzzy, lightheaded feelings... The need to be touching him, even if it is just my hand on his arm, or our knees touching while we watch TV. Then there is the fact that he can make me feel like I am going to crawl right out of my skin when he kisses me... and touches me...  I admit to liking that a lot. I have never felt that before. I am a big fan.  So, things going very well right now. 16 days left...  At this rate, leaving is going to be very, very hard. |
| And yet, I only feel a day older... weird. I love getting older. I guess that is due to the fact that I was never really young. I aged twenty years when I was six. Now, every year gets a little better and I de-age a little more. This past year has been amazing. It provided me with the first man to ever show any interest in me... where oh where has he gone? (Richard, I miss you and am worried sick!) For a while there, I had two men showing interest in me... a really unprecedented ocurrence. This year brought my first love... and my first heartbreak. It brought new friends into my life... and another possible love. I have lost 130 lbs this year, but more importantly, I have gained control over my life through healing and understanding myself. I have grown spiritually and in strength. I still mourn wishes that don't appear to be able to come true. I feel the lack of family quite acutely, and along with that the fact that I will likely never get the chance to be the amazing parent that I know I would be. The desire to be someone's significant other, to feel the safety and love of a man's arms, and of little arms is totally new to me. I never wanted a family before. My family growing up was enough to turn me off ever wanting that. Loving an amazing man was enough to wipe that history away. I still haven't discovered the secret to getting unstuck... but maybe that is for the coming year. Hopefully a great many amazing things are waiting for me, hidden within the promise of the next 365 days. Here's to 37. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way. - Jewel ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ![Merit Badge in Appreciation
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From [Link To User kittiara] : To Kim: You are a wonderful woman . For all that you do for others and for being lovely, kind you, you are appreciated.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Appreciation-1985.gif) |
| Compaired to my six week odyssey this summer, I figured that a simple plane voyage with only one switch over would be a piece of cake, especially since I warded off the one foreseeable complication by purchasing two tickets so that I didn't have to fight with flight attendants to have a seat that wasn't freaking me and my seat-mate out. (Turns out I didn't really need the tickets from Toronto to Charlotte NC because the plane was nearly empty, but that is another story.) Anyway... I stayed up all Friday night getting ready to go... sewing the last of my clothes, packing and showering. Left home at 6AM for North Bay to catch the 7AM shuttle to Toronto. I slept most of the way to Toronto... hope I didn't snore too badly. Arrived at Toronto Terminal Three at 11:00 of thereabouts. I couldn't figure out the pay cart thing... well, I eventually did, but it took me forever. Man I am stupid when I am tired. I proceeded to the ticket counter and got my boarding pass... and I was off to customs. There was a line at customs that was at least an hour and a half long, so I called over a lovely uniformed person and explained that there was no way that I could stand there for an hour and a half. They sent me back to the ticket counter to fetch an agent who could fast track me through the crew customs desk. All good there... they didn't even search my luggage this time. Guess they didn't think I was as much of a security risk as the border guys in Maine. Once through security which also went by without a hitch, having no pockets or jewellry helps sometimes... I asked a lovely person where gate B7 was... that was the gate that the ticket agent wrote on my boarding pass. She told me it was to the right... so off I went. It was to the right okay... about 3/4 of a mile to the right (and that is no exaggeration.) So, I arrive foot sore and cranky to find there are no chairs. I eventually wedged myself between a couple of lovely people and proceeded to talk books with the lady next to me. Eventually however, I succumbed to the nagging feeling I had about my boarding pass... namely that there was only one boarding pass and I was supposed to have two. So, I got up and headed to the desk to ask. They said, 'You're right, you should have two', and supplied me with the second one. But then they said, 'You are at the wrong gate. Your flight leaves from B17.' Okay, I am cool with that. "Where is B17?" I ask. 'Go back to security and turn left instead of right and follow that to the end." So, I return to security, buy a Diet Sprite to replenish the massive fluid loss and head off to the exact opposite end of the terminal. About 100 metres from the end of my 1 km voyage down this hall, a man in a cart took pity on me and gave me a lift. I don't know why he thought I needed a lift, maybe it was the fact that I was collapsed, gasping over the railing of the moving sidewalk. So, he takes me to the end and tells me that this is the waiting area for B15, but soon they will open a set of doors a couple hundred meters back down the way we came, and that will lead to B17. Okay. I sit and drink my Sprite. Eventually the nice man with the cart returns to escort all us gate B17-20 people to our proper place. There were people who needed the cart more than me, so I walked. The flight was good. The flight attendant gave me my seatbelt so that I didn't have to call attention to myself... very nice. Gorgeous sunset, and I saw a couple of UFO's that I am pretty sure were other planes, but it's more fun to call them UFO's. Landed in Charlotte, and left the plane last... I always do... I leave theatres last too... weird, anyway, caught a lift through the miles of that airport to my next plane. When I got to that gate, I looked at the attendant at the gate, and checked the time... it was 20 minutes before take off, and no one seemed excited, so I sat down. After five minutes though, I thought that I should ask and got up. He said, 'Atlanta? That flight has already boarded.' So, I walked out and climbed the stairs onto the little plane. The flight attendant had rearranged people and told me to just find a seat. Only problem was, it was a very small plane and very small seats... they had football players sitting alone. How was I supposed to find a seat? So, I showed her that I had two boarding passes and she broke up a couple of crew members who were sitting together and I sat down. Gorgeous flight. Horizon to horizon lights the whole way, and they were all different colors. Charlotte looked like a picture of deep space, because none of their roads are straight, they curve and spiral all over the place. Just amazingly beautiful, although a scourge to motorists I am sure. 47 minutes later landed in the much more linear Atlanta. I climb down the stairs off the plane and look over where everyone else on the plane is climbing three storeys of stairs into the terminal. I was like... Oh no! Soooo tired. But I went over and climbed them... wasn't even winded at the top. Proof of just how far I have come and just how much I underestimate myself physically. Anyway, I get to the top of the stairs, walk into the terminal and a lovely young man tells me to have a seat, a wheelchair is coming to escort me to the baggage claim. Now, I don't mind using the electric carts, because everyone does, but I hate having to be wheeled around. So, I fled. Who cares that it was two miles to baggage claim... there was a train. Found the train and boarded... was surrounded by supermodels... literally, I actually recognized one from a magazine. Talk about the weed in the garden of delights... anyway, they were very nice. When I arrived at the baggage station, I got off the train and headed for the excalator. Now, I hate escalators. Hate them, but ones going up aren't too bad. I figured I could handle this one until I got up close and saw that it was three storeys high. THREE!!! Ack! I headed for the elevator. By the time I was humiliated by the noncooperative elevator and the assistant who thought I was afraid of getting into the elevator that wouldn't go anywhere when I pressed the buttons, and then by not knowing whether my baggage was in the north or south terminal... when I saw Mike, all I could manage was a wave. LOL So totally fried. Then one of my bags was missing... looked around, then went into the office and it was there. Whew! Then we head off to the car... twice I had to stop just because I was soooo weak and tired. I was actually to the point of shaking so hard that I thought I might collapse. But, considering that so much walking--about 4 miles in total--would have been completely impossible four months ago... I think I did amazingly well. So, here I am. So far, things not proceeding according to plan, but when do they ever? So, nothing new there.  |
| No worries. I was merely being held captive by the North Bay General Hospital. I went in with really quite bad pain on Tuesday, and they held me without parole. Clear fluids and an IV set wide open because I was really dehydrated. (YOU drink when it feels like your guts are splitting open.) Anyway, there was a brief hope that something would be done, but... nada. Trust me... clear fluid diet... not so satisfying. So, I am home. No further ahead, but home. And now I am going away for the month of November. Fleeing to the land of Georgia. They can make their appointments and stuff on my schedule now. I have been waiting a month for nothing and my patience is at an end. |
| The closer we get, the more open he gets with me, the more I worry. Not terrible, pacing the floor worry. Not the analyzing everything he says looking for signals worry... *sigh* I guess it is a "Damn, I like him. What will I do if he changes his mind?" worry. A not sure what to say so as to not scare him off worry. A we don't seem to be talking much these days worry. But, the talking we've been doing has been great stuff. Really, really great stuff. I am so not good at this. I want to be good at this. I want to be cool. LOL I am just soooo not cool. So very very not cool. That has ruined things for me before. I don't want to ruin this with my lack of cool. |
| There are days that I wish I was a sponge that could soak up pain like most sponges soak up water. That way I could just latch onto people who are hurting, soak up their pain and cart it away. I wish I had the power to make it all better. But of course, that isn't what life is about, is it? Soaking up everyone's pain would ultimately prove a selfish act, for how do we recognize the good, happy times when we are loved and cherished... how do we feel joy if we never feel pain? How do we cherish life if we never have to experience the downsides and the hard times? Still, I worry. A dear friend is facing a horrible week, and I wish that I could take away the pains they are going to face... that I had some power to help, and... there's nothing. All I can do is keep strong thoughts and ask God to help give them strength even though this friend doesn't believe in God. I wish I could do more. It is a constant ache that I can't. |
| So, my surgeon's office finally called today and sent me for more blood tests. They have found someone to do the scope procedure, but now they have to find a venue. *shrugs* But, that is only if the bloodwork shows that the stone is still there causing mischief. If it isn't, and this is what I am hoping for, woohoo!!!!!!! Still have to have my gallbladder removed, but that probably won't be for a while. These things don't move quickly. But tonight is the third day in a row with quite intense pain going on. Dang, why is this dragging on for so long. The last times I had months in between. Here the longest stretch has been five days. I am never sick! I hate being sick! I just want it to lay off so that I can go about my life until which time they rip that little sucker out of there. |
| ...but I have just never had the sentence, "You are one saucy sex kitten, baby!" used in reference to me. *blush* Never thought I would be pleased by having that said to me. But turns out... I am. heh heh But then again, I never thought I would find someone who matched me so well on that front. Someone who would accept my proclivities, embrace them and me in all my individuality. Up until a couple of years ago, I actually doubted that I would ever be able to have a satisfying sexual relationship with anyone. I thought that I was damaged beyond repair... that all the abuse had screwed me up to where no man would want someone as deviant as I believed myself to be.Of course, most of that was perception. I was still carrying around so much shame that I saw my sexual side through that filter. Now I see things much more clearly, and I can embrace the fact that I have a somewhat nontraditional sexual side. LOL Not that I will be found hanging in someone's dungeon or anything. I am just not a missionary sort of chick. I guess my confidence in that side had to catch up with the rest of me eventually. I am a self-realized woman for the most part. I am uncomplicated, and I can accept people completely for who they are, both the good and the bad, but I am also strong and independant. My brother called me a formidable personality... I think that is a little strong, but I am at a place in my life and self-esteem where I don't feel the need to allow people to treat me badly. That's true. I know who I am, and I like her. I know I am not what the world thinks of as beautiful or sexy, but I also know that I am both in my own way. Mine is a beauty and sexiness of the soul. LOL But I think in a lot of ways, it is the better kind of sexy. My kind doesn't rely on pert breasts and a small shapely ass. Mine won't fade or dull or wrinkle. Mine doesn't go out looking for acceptance from the rest of the world, it knows its worth already.I am also fairly certain of what I want sexually as well. I want someone adventurous... someone willing to go out there and explore. So, I guess I am lucky to have found myself a saucy sex tomcat. |
| So, I left off having realized what it was I was supposed to be mourning from that memory. I gave her some time... paid respect to her pain... but it took a remarkably short time. I thought it would take longer somehow, but a few minutes and that sadness went quiet. So, now the next part is to go back over the memory and do for myself what was not done for me. LOL So, I get to push Dad off me and tell him in a stern voice what was going on. Then demand an apology. LOL In RL that sooo wouldn't have worked... the two times he nearly killed me were because I stood up to him. But still, the whole superkid fantasy is a great one. Got to love it.I found it completely easy to forgive him this incident once the hurt and sadness were gone. *shrugs* He thought he was doing what was best. He was wrong, but who isn't from time to time. His reaction was completely inappropriate and criminal, but he was such an unhappy man, such an angry man about his whole life... And that sort of reaction, that whole spare the fist spoil the child was all he knew. That was how he was raised by an unhappy, angry man. That's not hard to forgive. |
| Oh the exquisite torture of the long distance relationship. The first time was long distance as well, but we never met in real life, so there was always a fear factor that kept the longing to be with him at bay. I wanted to share the same space, to hold him and all the rest, but I was also afraid that the reality of me would kill the relationship. This time we have met. We have shared the same space. *blush* I've felt his arms around me and his lips on mine. There is no barrier to keep the ache from nagging at me constantly. It's getting close to driving me nuts. Is it too much to ask to be able to be with the person you love? The universe had better start giving me a break here pretty quick or I might just get an attitude.  |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
