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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| As a writer, editing is what I spend most of my time on... writingwise anyway. How odd that I never considered rewriting my real life the same way. Edit it to suit the woman I want to be... So, here goes my first attempt at memory editing. This is literally my earliest memory. I was six or seven and playing downstairs in the rec room in our house in Edmonton. I was very big into Johnny West at the time... had the horses and the jeep and horse trailer... all very cool. We had just brought home a new puppy and my brother was playing with Cocoa maybe six feet away. Cocoa was licking Carl's face, and Carl was laughing like a freak, trying to push this very strong, very excited puppy off of him. All I remember is hearing him squealing "No Cocoa, no," over and over. My father came thundering down the stairs, grabbed me and then I was literally flying through the air... until I hit the wall. He pounded me against it over and over. I was stunned and terrified and crying... not understanding what I had done. I don't remember him saying a single word, but no doubt he did. Carl was screaming at Dad to stop, trying to tell him what had really been going on. I guess Dad thought I was beating on Carl or something, and that was what all the noise was about. That is pretty much where the memory ends. So now, according to "How to be an Adult" I have to mourn and let go. I have reminiscenced about the moment. I have to allow myself to feel the sense of deprivation, and I do. That was the last day I ever remember feeling safe around my father. That was the last true day of my childhood. After that day the world got scary and ugly. My sort of base emotional memory transitions from feeling like my Dad was there to love me and look after me, to his absence in those roles. Very sad, but really scary too. That little girl went through the next ten years of life at home without ever feeling as though anyone would protect her or take care of her. Without feeling entitled to that protection. Now I am supposed to say goodbye. What am I saying goodbye to? My daddy...  Every little girl just wants to be their daddy's princess, yes? To feel big strong arms protecting her from the world. So, yeah, I guess my goodbye here is to the father I loved more than anyone else. Goodbye daddy.There are more steps, but I am going to leave it here for now and finish tomorrow after I have had some time to mourn that loss. It is a loss I have never even articulated until right there. ^ Yeah, she deserves to mourn for a while.  |
| Never thought this line would ever show up in my life... "Now, now... Don't get down on yourself. You're just a young woman with an obsessive interest in frog masturbation. I am sure there are many other women in the same situation."  My apologies to the person who sent it to me for not notifying them previous to posting, but since they aren't identified, I thought it would be safe... and out of context, it really is hilarious! |
| I was talking to a couple of friends about this today... Men tend to put me on pedestals. I am not sure why. They slot me into this position of being the virgin princess or some such, and then resist greatly my trying to escape it. My fellow doesn't do that. Maybe it is because he didn't come into the relationship knowing about my past. That's a good thing, maybe. It didn't make him too careful. Not that I haven't appreciated careful when things started to turn sexual in previous relationships. Their care has allowed me to feel safe stepping away from careful. If that makes any sense. This man has pushed me albeit very gently right from the very beginning, never demanding, but always nudged me towards opening up and becoming more daring and, dare I say it, more sexual. He's kept me stretching for new limits of what I think I am capable of, and every time, I have found my way through those limits and to new confidence in myself in that way. I am no virgin princess now. LOL Okay, I so am, but I am slowly climbing down off the pedestal. I will never be a flirt or a tease. I will never ever sleep around or take sex lightly... even the online kind. But I am a perfectly normal, sexually mature 37 year old woman... it's time I acted like it, no? |
| If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing you a morning golden and true I would make this day last for all time And fill the night deep in moonshine. -Farmer Hogget Truer words have never been spoken to express my philosophy of life. I wish I had the power of magical words so that I could create perfect, beautiful days for everyone I love. But, since I don't have that power, I will just have to give everyone enough love to accomplish the same thing.  I was talking to someone about romantic relationships yesterday... how do you know you're in love and whether or not you could be with someone forever. That sort of thing. Came down to being with someone who didn't drive you nuts and who could keep you sexually satisfied. LOL Well, that was their take on it. I would like to look forward to the other person being there if they aren't... still wanting to feel their arms around me after we have been together for 20 years. Still being able to look at them and feel that wave of love and appreciation... not hormonally driven, although that would be nice. Yep. |
| Taking a single step. LOL Here I go... Step. A friend recommended that I pick up a book that her therapist recommended to her. I did so and read the first chapter before getting out of bed this morning. I am one chapter in and have been blown away by this book. It has a silly name, but it is an accurate name, "How to be an Adult." I learned about something that I think has been keeping me stuck. I have a friend whom I love very much. I have continually ragged on myself for letting this person down several times. They were small lapses of humanity, but they caused hurt, and I hate that. These disappointments caused permanent damage to our friendship, damage that I have, until this point, been willing to do anything to undo. Felt the obligation to try to fix through some mighty action of trustworthiness. Today, reading this book and knowing what I know about my friend, I realized there is nothing I could have ever done. I would never have been able to live up to their ideal of dependability. This hurts because I hold myself to a very high standard of dependability. However, it isn't my issue to hold onto guilt or hurt about. It is my friend's issue and it is deep-seated and old. There is no one who could live up to their standard, because just like me, they are trying to make up for childhood wounds. I have no time transportation ability to go back and fix that for them. I have similar issues in other areas. I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved. Doesn't matter if it is friends, lover, parents... everyone has to meet this standard or I am disappointed. I don't shut them out or anything, but I get sad. I feel unloved. The reason is the lack of love I felt as a child. I never felt loved. Never felt taken care of. I was basically on my own after the age of 6. My mom was there, but didn't protect me. My Dad wasn't there, and when he was, I lived in fear. Other forces made my life one of withdrawl and shame. Now here is the big news... I never thought of this before... Even though it is nice if people can and are willing to make up for that lack by loving me the way I feel I need to be... it isn't their responsibility to make up for that child's neglect. It is my responsibility to go back and heal that sense of denial and neglect. No one owes me perfect love any more than I owed my dear friend perfect dependability. I can only be who I am and do the best I can for others without sacrificing my health or well-being. To have lied -- in effect being less dependable by creating an illusion of dependability -- would have been harmful to me. It would have hurt me all the time, every minute. The truth in every instance hurt us both, but the alternative would have hurt more. I don't need to carry this guilt around any more, and that is a great thing. I have to go back now, find the places that still hurt and go through the process to heal them so that I can be free of them for good. I'll post them here, but for now, I am beat and need sleep. |
| Appointment with Surgeon next Thursday has been cancelled. My heart got happy there for a second when my doctor's receptionist told me that. Fate is cruel. Give you that moment of relief before ... Apparently the surgeon got my test results and said that it isn't something that he can fix, so he booted me to a specialist in Toronto. No word on when that appointment may be. Toronto... gagh! LOL I hate Toronto... except when doing touristy things. |
but everyone has run away.  Oh well. I am tough, no worries. Just a little sad, a little disappointed and in a little pain. This too I shall overcome.But, I really need a hug. |
| ...when your doctor sends you for blood work, etc. one day and then the next day calls back to say they got the results and they are booking an appointment with a surgeon a few days later... even before they find out the results of the ultrasound? |
| What is it with their need to describe the human condition so darned perfectly? If I am going through something, I certainly don't need some singer on the radio rubbing it in with precision targeting. Case in point... How Can I Not Love You -- Joy Enriquez (from the movie Anna and the King.) Can not touch Cannot hold Cannot be together Cannot love Cannot kiss Cannot have eachother. Must be strong and we must let go. Cannot say what our hearts must know. How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart? When do I not want you here in my arms? How does one walk away from all of the memories? How do I not miss you when you are gone? Cannot dream Cannot share Sweet and tender moments. Cannot feel how we feel. Must pretend its over. Must be brave and we must go on. Must not say what we've known all along. How can I not love you? What do I tell my heart? When do I not want you here in my arms? How does one walk away from all of the memories? How can I not miss you when you are gone? Must be brave and we must be strong Cannot say what we've known all along... Argh! I am an emotional person, as most of you know, and this song has had me in tears all day. Yerp, today has been a theme day in the Kim music torture marathon. Next came Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. LOL And then Macy Grey's big song about trying to say goodbye and choke, try to walk away and stumble... argh! I swear there are days when God just wants to have a bit of fun at Kim's expense. Maybe it is just because I am a little overemotional due to the agony I have been in for the past five days. Thank goodness the attack is mellowing out today. The shooting, alien climbing out of my stomach pain is easing off. The doctor said gallbladder and so poked me full of holes and is sending me to get an ultrasound in the next little while. Trust me, if you have never had a gallbladder attack, try to avoid one if you can. The pain is like Aliens, but without all the good times. At least those poor sods got to die after ten minutes or so... five days of this has left me broke because I haven't been able to work, and worn right out. So, if they decide to rip it out, I won't be overly upset. LOL Oh well, back to work. If I can sit up, I must work. None of this indulging in blog silliness.  |
I met Just MoW  after someone made a wish for him in my Genie Forum. He is one of the finest poets I have ever read, and I started sending reviews that amounted to little more than fan mail. I didn't have suggestions for improvement for most of them. We started emailing back and forth, the end result being someone who means a great deal to me... a loved friend. The last communication I received from him was an IM saying that he would be around WDC more in the coming days. That was over two weeks ago. Since then I have emailed, and other friends have emailed, and no sign of him. I am worried sick, of course. People familiar with my old journal will remember the entries when I worried about another friend who went missing. I can't help it. I just pray that he and his little girl are fine and healthy and just far too busy enjoying life to log on. Yep, that's what I'll keep hoping for. |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 