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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Okay, so I went in for the big appointment with the surgeon today. Hardly any waiting time, that was nice, and as suspected, I was in there about ten minutes. LOL He asked questions, he poked my tummy and then said that I have fairly serious jaundice... he thinks due to a gallstone lodged in my bile duct. (Why do they name everything such gross names?) So, next week, either in North Bay or Toronto (he doesn't know where for sure yet because I am also a surgical risk) they will stick a scope down my throat, through my stomach and all the way down to the bile duct which they will make bigger and then reach in and yank the little poophead out of there. Sounds nice...  Then, at a later, as yet undisclosed time, the gallbladder comes out. Easy peasy. |
| For the past week and a bit, I have been slaving away at a large order of dog paintings for a wholesale buyer in the States. She has purchased before and been a good customer, so when she needed them right away for a special event, I started to work without payment. 82 Australian Shepherds and 12 other items worth over 700 dollars US. Tonight I finished the last of them. Went in to my email and she's cancelled the order. Dang! That was supposed to get me out of here and into the arms of the man I love. Now what? I can sell them on ebay for 1/2 their value and sell most of them ... probably. At least they are a popular breed. But then again, maybe not because nothing is selling on ebay thanks to the economic hiccup we're having. Trust me, running your own business is not all happiness and sunshine like they advertise. It can be great, and has lots of good points, but it also has big moments of terror and disappointment. Like right now.  |
| My female friends took a Which Classic Dame are you Most Like test, and told me to, so I did. Here are the results: Katharine Hepburn You scored 9% grit, 14% wit, 57% flair, and 23% class! You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women. |
| It's amazing how fast and easily we humans fall into patterns. We get used to talking to someone at a certain time, and that is just the way things are. LOL Then when we step outside that pattern, it takes several gasping breaths to resettle. Case in point. I was feeling very sad a little while ago. Not a bone crushing, tooth-grinding sad, just a regret and tenderness kind of sad, but sad nonetheless. My first desire is to talk to the man. LOL So, I called. Wanted to hear his voice. He's like, what? It's 1:00 in the afternoon! We talk at night.  We talked for a long time about nothing much. He's so easy to talk to... and he makes my heart happy.  So, I think I am going to start calling him at weird times just to keep him on his toes. I can wake him up in the morning... okay, that will never happen because he gets up way too early. Besides I wouldn't want him to crash into something in a half-asleep stupor in his rush to get to the phone. That would be terrible. Yep, guess waking him up will have to wait a week or so. But other times of the day... none of them are safe now.  |
| Since tomorrow ... oops, today rather... is the day of pumpkin pie and other squash products... perhaps it is fitting that today is the day of worrying about being squashed. I've reached the stage of vulnerability, and I am not the biggest fan of vulnerability. Hard enough to allow myself to get to this place, but remaining here is agony. Only someone pretty amazing could convince me. Yes, someone pretty amazing... someone sweet; smart; caring; empathetic; creative; loyal to the people he cares about, possessing a sense of humor that is kind, a little silly, and charming; dependable and hardworking... in short someone who could be a brilliant companion for life... And it will take a lot of deep breaths to fight down the fear. It's not a fear of the relationship, or of committment, or any of that. It is the fear that he will change his mind. I've been there before. Been to the part where I have given someone the power to really hurt me, someone who has told me they love me, and then suddenly ... Splat. Now I am here again. It's a good thing. It's a necessary thing, and he is worth it. All I can do is pray for no splat. |
| Definitely have gallstones. *shrugs* Appointment with surgeon on Wednesday when maybe I will actually learn something. |
| Wow, what a 24 hours this has been for Kim. LOL My long term friends know that very early this year I fell in love for the first time. I know, I know... I am very old to be falling in love for the first time. Anyway, I loved this person more than I ever believed I could care about anyone. I'd never met anyone like him. Smart, funny, so in touch with himself, so caring and romantic. He's a wonderful man and a great friend. Oh my God I loved that man. Anyway, when didn't work, I stopped breathing. I didn't breathe for the months of May and June. Slowly, painfully, I started breathing again, but the attachment was still there. By the time I got to Georgia, I had put away the idea that we'd eventually figure things out. But the attachment was still there. However, ever since May 19th I have been getting to know another man. He is a wonderful man too. When I went to meet him during my trip, I really, really liked him. Since I got home I have been trying to figure out what it is I feel and for whom. Over time, I have felt myself more and more drawn to this new fellow, but the attachment was still there.I was worried because I didn't feel the same crazy, going to lose my mind if I can't talk to him, sweating palms, pounding heart, insanity that I felt the first time. Decided that it was actually a good thing that I wasn't losing my mind this time. It gave me the chance to learn who he was before being blinded by the sound of my own thundering heartbeat. Then a couple of weeks ago, I found myself pacing between whatever I was doing and the IM, waiting for him to show up. Then two days ago, I told him that I thought I was falling for him... because I am. Sometimes when we are chatting, or talking on the phone, I just get this warm rush of strong affection. He didn't say anything at the time, so I was like... "Oh no! I am sooo dumb." But I was still glad I had put it out there. It is the truth. And I believe that love is something that shouldn't be kept a secret, no matter what the result.Anyway, we've had some really great talks in the past week... hours long and about great things like who we are, where we're coming from, what we want, need and have to offer. He's been settling into my heart, and there has been room there for him... lots in fact. Enough for him to stretch out and be comfy. Then last night, when we were doing the hanging up the phone to move back to IM--it's free, but not as good as being able to hear him--he said it back. Oh, but wait... I am getting ahead of myself... Earlier, I received a quick note from the first man I loved. Just a friendly hi. I read it and... nothing. I suddenly knew that we could be just casual friends now, and it would be great. It was like the ball of attachment wrapped around my heart just dissolved. It was the most amazing feeling of release. Wrote a poem about it if anyone wants to read it.
Anyway, back to the great conversations and him saying it back.  Just about the moment he said it back, it all hit me... the big, stupid grin; the pounding heart, the sweaty palms... the wanting to keep talking forever despite being unable to remain awake that long. The longing... LOL Haven't felt that in six months... the wanting to be there, to have contact, even if it is just him holding my hand.*Sigh* Excellent feeling. What a day! |
| The ultrasound was this morning... booted up a day. Woohoo! But damn if he had drilled that thing into me any harder it would have broken skin! At one point, when I was lying on my back, he pressed in right on top of my gallbladder so hard that the pain knocked the wind out of me. Right now I am having another attack and here I am... *looks around at the empty house.* I am in agony and not afraid to admit to feeling quite sorry for myself right now. |
| Literally. I have music on and I can still hear the wolves over it. There are some things I don't like about living in the middle of the bush, but the wolves... they are one of the great parts. I love to listen to them. I guess sleep isn't happening for me tonight... I have to be up in three hours anyway. I talked to my father tonight. *sigh* I don't know why I bother. My work isn't selling very well on ebay right now, and so I asked him if I could borrow their vehicle to go south. It was literally just a checking the options thing... gather all the pertinent info... make decisions. But they both get on the line, Dad on one phone, my step-mother on the other and they are both freaking out about why I can't possibly use the truck... the tone being how dare I ask? I cut them off. They also said that I shouldn't go because of my health issues. And, if there is something really immediately wrong, of course I won't. It is never a good idea to be 1200 miles from your health care if you need it. But here is where we get to the alone part of this entries title. The family members I live with are leaving for the lake tomorrow. They are going out to spend the last week of the season at the cottage. Leaves me here alone without a vehicle if anything goes wrong. Of course I have the phone to call 911... but that's not my point. It is just another case of my family not instinctively being there for me. It doesn't even occur to them. I'm used to it, it's been this way all my life, and if I do need surgery it is just going to get worse. I will have to take the train down to Toronto, stay in a hotel, and go to hospital then catch the train back the next day. I might be able to borrow Mom's van, but that's doubtful. No one will go with me... there are dogs here that need looking after, and there isn't money for them to afford to stay in a hotel, etc. I am sure they will phone though. Dad and his wife won't come either... even if I have surgery. Well, they might take a day trip, but they will likely phone. My brother and sister in law would be there, stuck to me like leeches, but of course, they live in Germany, so that's out. They will definitely call. So, I will do it alone. *shrugs* As I said, I am used to it, but it is disappointing nonetheless. There are lots of people who face everything in life alone. I am not special, do not deserve any better treatment than anyone else. So, is it selfish to wish that they would be here for me now during the waiting, and then if it turns out that things need to go more serious? This takes me back to my trip. If I can travel, I will buy a couple of weeks of Blue Cross and go. I would rather spend the time with someone who cares about me, someone I care about, someone who will be there, then spend the time here alone. Am I the only one to whom that makes sense? |
| A friend told me tonight that at some point we had gotten into a duscussion about names, and I told them that I had no middle name. It's not true... I do have one. It's Eva for the curious. I am quite fond of my middle name... I sign my name Kim E Bradshaw... that just is my standard signature. It has been since I was 16 or so. My friend brought it up because they saw the KEB initials on some artwork I did. My middle name is a big part of my identity, it goes everywhere with me. So... here is the thing. I absolutely believe that my friend believes what they are saying... that I said that my name was just Kim. I absolutely know that I wouldn't, except that I don't remember the conversation, so... what can I say for sure.? Other than the fact it just is too weird that I would do it. Why lie about something so small and stupid? NOW, a conversation I do have a lot is the Just Kim talk in the context of NOT being Kimberly. Kimberly is not the name on my birth certificate, Kim is. Every time I meet someone, eventually they call me Kimberly and the talk happens. So, is this a simple case of misunderstanding? When my friend asked about my name, I said just Kim thinking they meant the whole Kimberly thing, but they actually meant something else? Of course it could, right? IM is an imperfect medium, and is rife with misunderstanding. So, now you are probably asking why any of this matters in the least. Isn't it a stupid thing to be worried about? Probably. Yes, of course it is... it is a small misunderstanding. Nothing serious, except that it is just another irregularity. This friend has issues with my honesty. They don't believe that I am honest with them all the time. This will be another strike. Why does it matter to me so much? I mean, their perception doesn't govern my reality. Just because they think I lie, doesn't make me a liar anymore than my believing that someone has red hair makes them a redhead. But my honesty is sooo important to me. There are a few things that I really care about being seen as, and honest is a huge one. Sigh... and this person is important to me... I hate it that they think about me that way.  |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
