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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| I told my dad and Sylvia to go away today. I sent them a long email two days ago telling them all about my life and the things I was doing/planning to do. They didn't reply. Today I got an email sent to everyone on their email list telling their friends that they were going to Vancouver to see their grandson, so no one should email them. They did actually call my brother to talk to him and his wife a couple of days ago. Nice. I wrote back and told them not to contact me again. I am tired of their indifference hurting me. I won't let them do it to me any more. I am finished with them. Nearly twenty years of trying to be a part of their life and being rejected has ended. It's a good thing. I'll find people who love me elsewhere. |
| I couldn't be less inspired to write the last four items for the Best of the Forms contest if I tried. I wrote a mirrored refrain tonight that is complete crap. It meets the requirements but there is as much passion in it as there is in a slab of cold bologna. I do not write well under pressure, and then add the pressure of having to write in such an unnatural and forced manner... all I am coming up with is crap. CRAP! And I am going away this weekend, so I won't be able to get the items in by the deadline anyway... *sigh* I should know better than to enter contests. I am not a contest writer. I guess I am going to have to drop out. |
Ever had a night that no matter how many time you woke up from a horrific nightmare, you fell back to sleep only to have another one?  That was last night for me. Got a whole 7 hours of sleep per the clock, but quite a while of it was spent trying to force myself to stay awake long enough to hopefully shake the nightmare and be able to start fresh when I went to sleep again.I haven't had more than two or three hours a sleep per night since I came here. Most nights I lie awake wondering why I am not more tired... tired enough to sleep. Last night I made sure I was good and tired before turning out the light. The first dream, I was held prisoner and forced to watch a really horrific murder and the even more horrific aftermath. The most twisted parts of my brain had to have been active for that one. Woke up, heart pounding with no idea where I was. The next dream was a variation of a dream I used to have several times a year, but that died out maybe ten years ago... a dream where my father has a gun and he is hunting for me. No matter where I go to hide, he is always right there. The last one was a frustration dream with roots in the all to real world... hospital treatment frustration. LOL Not getting treated, getting treated for the wrong things, needing something but unable to get it... Woke up wanting to punch someone after that one. I'm exhausted.  What a night. |
| The depression of the last few days has coincided with the fact that I haven't had even a twinge from my gallbladder. That of course means no painkillers since Saturday. I haven't wanted any, so I am obviously not addicted to them, but perhaps physically a small amount of dependency has occured. If that is the case... just as well I moved here. |
| ...and alone. Not even my body allows me dignity. I am tired of tears. Tired of hope. Tired of my entire existance. I used to want so much. I prayed to God all the time asking for money, fame, to be a published writer... to be an Olympic rider... LOL So many dreams, so many desires. Nearly a year ago, I asked God why he would place something so amazing before me and then snatch it away. The message my heart received was don't give up. He lied. I now want only one thing, and no matter how hard I have tried, I can't stop wanting it. It's the only thing I will never ever have. A couple of days ago, I was someone else. Today... I don't know. Perhaps I will find her again... maybe I won't, but either way today hope stops. Please don't email or comment on this entry. |
| Went to the pool for my aqua class. It drove off some of the insufferable self-pity. I so detest when I get whiny and stupid... but it happens. I was hoping this move would be different. LOL That it would feel different, that I would feel as though I had been turned loose a little bit. Instead, it feels as though the walls here are tighter. I guess I am just a little claustrophobic right now. At least my computer was hooked up tonight. Woohoo! And I went out to my class. I've missed them. Anyway, the thing is that there are loads of people who have it way worse than I do. I will make this work somehow. I will find a way to look after One-Eyed-Pete (Dami has eveloped an eye infection this week and walks around looking at me out of one eye) and Sugar-Intolerance-Man and go for the life I want. Actually, in that way, this place is the best idea for now, as Kimberly and Kevin are willing to look after the cats whenever I am off travelling. In New Brunswick, there wouldn't be anyone to do that unless I found a roommate or something, and then could I trust them to look after the boys? I think I got thrown into a spiral because of Mike coming back and trying to convince me to let him take care of me. It is an offer with a certain appeal. He has a great house, an excellent job that brings in more money than I can conceive of every year, loves cats, has even developed the desire to send tokens of affection... we would have a perfectly ordinary life. He would be true to his word and take care of my every physical need. (There is something to be said as well for long nights of slow sex.) But he doesn't understand me, even a little. I care about him, but I could never be in love with him because he's not my soul mate. He doesn't know what I am thinking even when I don't want to admit it to myself. He doesn't know when I am hurting even when I am standing right in front of him and can't speak for threat of tears. I have to find that. Maybe if I had no idea what it felt like to be understood at that level, I could settle. Maybe. But knowing... I would lose my mind. As much as I sigh when I walk in this door and look down at my cot in this corner... it's not about the house. It's not about the security or the physical existance of comfort. The most romantic line in any song I know (and I use it in my sig block on Valentine's Day every year) is "For you, I'd be a poor man's wife." from the Morning Song by Jewel. That's what I have to wait for as much as I hate the wait.  Maybe the cage I am hating right now is more about being lonely... feeling alone. Not sure how to let myself out of that one, but I'll figure it out. I will. Maybe it means going back to being alone and learning to be okay with it. Maybe. |
| Somedays I just don't need a lecture. Sure, that's how you deal with someone who feels trapped, is trying to do the best thing for everyone, and is reaching the running point... lecture them. Sometimes I so want to slap my brother silly. He has way too much of Dad in him. I feel the walls closing in around me. Literally and figuratively, and I have no one I can talk to about it who won't offer platitudes to placate me, lecture me, or try to fix me. Yes, I have friends who tell me to come to them, but then they go to the above. They mean well, but I need ideas... thoughts outside what my brain can come up with locked into this cycle of what I can't do, where I can't go, the people I can't be with... and my idea man is currently unavailable. And of course, I have to do what is best for my cats. Dami is plucking his fur if I leave even for a couple of hours... separation anxiety sucks. Pugs is diabetic, and needs shots twice a day. Carl said I should find them a home... how? They are geriatric cats with issues; no one is going to adopt them. And... do you just give away your family because they fitting them into your life plan becomes a challenge? No, I have to find a way out of this trap on my own. |
| He wants to come visit me the first week of May. *sigh* Why is it that the man I can't get rid of is one that I care for, but am not in love with and can't possibly see myself living with? Life is trying to tell me something. Sometimes life is upside down. |
| Made only more blue by the fact that being here makes me realize that I have nowhere I belong. Sure, I could move out on my own. I could move to New Brunswick in a couple of months and have a friend in that town... but I would still be alone. And there isn't any end to it in sight. Man, I long for the days when alone was all I wanted. |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
