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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Up early, packed and packed and packed. Freaked out on my stepfather. I mean freaked out. My mom was in the dog room, picking up dogs to take outside and she started crying... Ow ow ow... literally crying. She called out for David. He yelled back, "What?" But no movement. So, I headed in to see the trouble. She'd sprained her elbow or something, and had two dogs in one arm, trying not to drop them. So, I took them from her, and said, "Well, it would help if your lazy ass husband would get off his ass instead of just yelling..." Put them outside for her... then headed back in to pack and pack some more. Mom goes into the livingroom and asks, "Why didn't you come? I was hurt..." His reply. "I didn't hear you." So, I freaked. I am so sick of his lying... I yelled, "You did too. If you hadn't heard her, you wouldn't have said what? in reply. So don't fucking lie about it to cover up for your laziness. Shit!" My exact words.  So, add the guilt of leaving home and leaving Mom to try to get by most of the time all alone, and then with a husband who will let her cry out in pain because he's too lazy to get off the couch to see what's wrong... to the baggage. Thanks I have decided to put 275.00 a month aside to pay for someone to go into my mom's house a couple afternoons a week to help her out. What else can I do? So, now I am at Kim's. They cleaned up the office for me... this is supposed to be my bedroom. LOL There is a single bed squished in the corner and a little desk pushed up against the head of it. That's my space. LOL Both of them have their computers in here, and all of the He-Man collection, three bookshelves, a TV and the gaming systems... LOL There isn't even enough room to bring in my suitcase for clothes. I will have to change at the pool every morning. Wow, going from cramped to crampeder. Going from stinky dogs to the filthiest house known to man... I actually grossed out going into the bathroom, so am going to have to break out the bleach cleaner and scrub the whole damn thing. How can people live like this? Was this a move up/out or a move down? All in all, I could really use a hug. A rough day. |
| Wow... so yesterday I ... got up early and had 8 dogs colored in by noon. I then managed to get 53 dogs packaged and in envelopes to ship. I then cut up enough plastic for another 200 dogs, and mixed enough leading for another 80. Then outlined 37 new dogs. Woohoo! Love that kind of day. Actually makes me feel like I might manage a dent in the order backlog. |
| Today's bits 'o wisdom thanks to Babylon 5... "When we are born, we are allocated a finite number of seconds. Each tick of the clock slices off a piece of us. Tick - a possibility for joy is gone. Tock - a careless word closes one path and opens another. Tick tock tick tock... always running out of time." - Lorien "The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My Dad always told me that was the only way to deal with pain. You don't surrender to it. You don't fight it. You try to make it into something positive. He used to say that if you're falling off a cliff, you might as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose." - John Sheridan Every second we have a choice. We can choose to surrender to the negative, or we can choose joy... we can choose love. Every second we allow the negative to overwhelm us, every second we back away from risk... every second we say no to love... that's a precious second wasted. Today, this second, I choose joy and love. There will never be a shortage of the negative waiting for the moments that I choose to throw away. My chances to have love returned... well, they are awaiting other people deciding whether or not I am worth trying to fly. But I have control over every second of my life, and for myself, I choose love. I choose joy. I'm going to waste as few of my seconds as I can. |
| I wrote a jozzonet for the Best of Forms contest. Received my first rate for it... anon of course... a 3.0. I am fairly certain that it is better than a 3.0... but allow for both personal preference and for the remote possibility that I am not perfect. Anyway, I then got an email regarding item number blah blah... from someone saying, 'Thanks for writing a jozzonet. I invented the form in 1990 and have written 90 of them. You can see my translated work at..." and a web address. How tacky is that? They had to be the person who rated me because their email came through as an email regarding item blah blah... So, I replied... Here is the full text of that reply. Hello. I fail to see the point of your email, other than trying to get me to read some of your work, as there was nothing within the email that was constructive, just self-applauding. Congrats on inventing a poetry form... perhaps some day I will do so. I'll email you and let you know if I do. Actually, I think I shall do so today. Thanks for the inspiration. You can look for the jarennotte coming soon to poetry near you. If however, you are the person who rated my poem an anonymous 3.0 with no constructive advice... Of course, using my limited deductive powers, I can figure out that it must have been you as you would have had to rate in order to send me an email rather than a review for this piece. Low ratings are fine as none of us are perfect, however, it would have been helpful to know what could be improved. Instead, you rated it low and then sent me an email advertising your work. That just seems tacky to me. I would hope that you do not visit the ports of my fellow poets involved in the Best of the Forms contest, some of whom are beginners... and discourage them with low, unhelpful and anonymous ratings, then follow that up with an email referring them to your work. This site is intended to encourage writers through helpful feedback and community. Thank you again for your email. Sincerely, jarensbud So... now that I am pissed off, I am inventing the Jarennotte... a whole new poetry form. Here is the word on it... and I will be coming out of semi retirement to host a Jarennotte contest. The Jarennotte! A poem consisting of 19 lines arranged as so: 9 line stanza -- Each line must be 9 syllables long 6 line stanza -- Each line must be 6 syllables long 3 line stanza -- Each line must be 3 syllables long 1 line -- No limit on syllables The rhyme schema is specific: Stanza 1: abbaxcddc Stanza 2: efxxfe Stanza 3: gxg Last line: x The x's all rhyme with one another. I am now going to go create a contest to gain my new poetry form international recognition and acclaim... and buy some gps to advertise the hell out of it. Woohooooo!!!! Actually, since I am self-agrandizing, I shall call it the Jarennelle... It's prettier. |
I am going to be leaving WDC for a time. I came here two and half years ago and found a place to get feedback for my writing, but most of all, friends... most of whom have all but vanished now. I don't have the constitution for being a pretend person. Mark pointed something out to me the other day... that I use the internet as a tether to other people. I do, but the truth is that for most people online life is a lark, or a way to stay separated from the world. That means the whole time I am reaching out, everyone else is pulling away. That hurts too much. Being a person who doesn't matter even enough to stick to plans... that sucks. *gives Bob the finger*  My sig block used to say, "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." It was a lie. I hate it. I hate feeling so much more than the rest of the world because it is a constant source of heartache. A friend once told me that some people were just meant to be alone. I don't know what God has for me to learn from life yet, but apparently I am meant to learn it alone. I wish I had never stopped being alone because it would make this so much less painful. I can't even hang around with Kimberly without a constant reminder of what I won't ever have... it's really not fair. So, I am going to go offline for a while, see if I can't find some peace... some equilibrium. So, I leave this note so that I am not just vanishing. Those of you who are important to me know how to reach me in RL. That is where I will be. See you around in a while WDC. |
 My weekend was cancelled. I was really looking forward to it. I have to stop counting on people as much as I do. I need to be more self sufficient, because I am sick to death of being disappointed.Went and saw Eight Below tonight... cried myself into a headache. So good though... I highly recommend it. It has sad moments, and three scary moments, but the sad moments are down played and the scary moments are offset by tremendous heroism... so I think it's good for kids. Maybe not really young ones. Anyway... a day spent crying for various reasons. Woohoo. I need to go to bed. Suddenly I don't have the energy for anything. |
| I am exhausted, sore and on the verge of tears and have been since noon yesterday. Worked out for two hours first thing in the morning yesterday. So sore afterwards, so I made myself go back last night to try to loosen up. It worked. Yay! Fell into an unconscious stuppor at midnight and decided that sleep and my chiropractor's appointment this morning outweighed my workout needs, so skipped the hour this morning, but will be heading over to the pool in an hour 15 minutes for the 2PM class. I can barely keep my eyes open, so hopefully it will help me wake up.  As for the being near tears... part tired... a large part no doubt... part worry... part separation anxiety. LOL Have to get back to painting here soon, but I am doing some relisting right now. Have to keep the dogs a moving. |
| Decided today how to deal with my concerns from yesterday... I am going with the starting from here. Clean slate. Record expunged. If something I have done has hurt someone, I will more than happily try to make ammends for that hurt. If a responsbility hasn't been met, I will meet it. But other than that... none of it matters. I am who I am now. I will do the best I can from who I am now. I just have to make sure that the decisions I make come from the truest part of me, not from fear or from some false belief of sparing someone hurt. My truest self can be trusted to do what is right and cause the least amount of hurt. And when that doesn't work, I will ask for guidance. What else can I do? Talking to a friend tonight helped shine a big old spotlight on what matters to me when it comes to my own honor. It is amazing how life sends a teacher when you are ready to learn the lesson. This particular friend however, should have their M.Ed after all the time put into teaching me.  |
| Last night's entry seems to bely the good news entry earlier. In fact it is because I feel so great lately... so happy and powerful and worthy that the black spot seems so visible. I want it gone so that all of me is this light... It feels good, and I want it to wipe out the other. That's all. |
| Some days I wish for the simplicity of a strong, religious faith. For the soul cleansing power of truly believing that if you confess your sins to God that they will all be wiped clean and you can go forward with a clear conscience. Today, while painting I had Babylon 5 on the DVD as I frequently do. An episode called Passing through Gethsemane was on. In the episode a monk discovers that he was a killer earlier in his life. His memories have been expunged and replaced with the ones that he now lives based on. When the memories of his old life are triggered, he is driven to discover the truth. He is such a good person in this new life that he cannot bear the idea that he might have been something very different. That and he worries that had he never discovered, he would have died without the ability to confess those sins. This started me thinking about how hard the past can be for someone who considers his or herself a good person. How heavy the weight of the small lies and sins seems dragging around the neck. Brother Edward says "The mind forgets, but the stain remains with the soul"... He says that because his soul is the soul of a killer that everything he has done, all the good work that he has done since then has been a lie. That the sins of his former life must be atoned for. There must be justice. Does the person I am struggling so hard to become make up for the sins in my past? I have spent my whole life carrying a heavy load of guilt, of the knowledge of all the evils and weaknesses that I have allowed to conquer me. Of the lies. My father used to accuse me of lying all the time. Sometimes he was wrong, but most of the time he was right. It got to the point where I didn't know the lies from the truth. And when I did I was too afraid to opt for the truth. I told him whatever I hoped would appease him. Despite all my growth, all my work, and my rigorous vigilance over my honesty, I am still doing it. I have been told by numerous people that I don't say the whole truth, that I go silent, or become cryptic when I am being challenged to reveal truths I feel uncomfortable about. How can I think of myself as a person who tells the truth when I seem so far from being able to tell the hard ones freely and consistently... without someone dragging them from me a bit at a time? How much of it is pride? Not wanting to tarnish the way people see me? How much of it is layer upon layer of weakness? Does the fact that there are truths about who I am and the things that I have done that I will likely never reveal make the rest of it a lie? How tainted is this person I try to pretend I am? When I meet people for the first time who I know from online, sometimes there is this flash that goes across their face. I call it the look of utter disappointment. Bob, the friend I am going to see this weekend, is a classic case. He knew all the details of my weight, etc. but when he arrived at my home, walked around the car, saw me and asked if I was Kim... when I said I was... the look crossed his face... for a moment he screamed disappointment. He recovered quickly and went on to be a very nice man, but that look is embedded in my mind... To me, that feels like the look of my true self. The look everyone would give me if they knew the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If they saw the selfishness, the hidden truths, the things I do from fear. My whole life I have been a disappointment to people. There are people in my life right now that I don't ever want to see look at me with the expression of utter disappointment. Then again, perhaps the people who say give it all to God and let him deal with it are right. The past is over. Whether it is the past of 25 years ago and the little girl who thought the only attention she could get was sexual abuse... or the past of two weeks ago and the minichallenge prizes from Raw I can't seem to remember to award... or the fact that I told Mike that we could try to be frineds even after all this crap because somewhere inside me I am terrified that at the end of the day I will end up completely alone... that part of me really believes that the only love I will ever get is heavily imperfect love, so I should take what I can get and be happy with that... maybe the key to being who I want to be in the here and now is letting those anchors drop away, and just continue to work hard to be the person I want to be. Give it all up to God and consider it expunged. Well, that and get the darned minichallenge prizes sent. I just don't know, but I am tired of having this shadow gnawing at me, telling me that the person I am is all a lie. That person is not who I am, not who I want to be. How do I shed her and live up to my own expectations? |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
