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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| ..........hmmm, maybe I should. I want to write. I sit down and I start, but strangely enough whatever I write doesn't feel like it is starting at the begining. It always feels like I am leaving something out. Weird. Sometimes I when I read, I feel like I am wasting my time writing. I read something by Preston/Child, Deaver, Connoly, Marshall, or Crais and I feel that I pale to them in my writing. I wonder if this is the part of the past that I haven't been able to let go. I have all of these stories flying around my head, but I can't get them all out on paper. I'm five chapters into Perpetual Rage and I doubt I will ever finish it. I don't have the strength or the will to do it. I don't really know where I am going with this, I just wanted to write something in here tonight. So much like all my writing I will leave this unfinished. My mind is a jumble of things trying to force themselves out, but if they made their way to computer screen I think we would all be confused and lost as to what was going on, so I will leave it here, because even I don't know what I am writing about at the moment. Oh whoa as me.................... |
| In the true span of existence I lost my job just two weeks ago. It seems like forever. I wonder could it be tje depression making the days last forever? Or is it that with so much time on my hands that time has slowed? I don't know. Well here we are again on the brink of the Single person's worst "Holiday". You know it's funny how you can miss the littlest things and those thing stab bitterly at your heart when you see them. I was at a friends house tonight and he is the proud owner of a Wii from Nintendo. He has a game called Wii sports. I watched as he and his wife played bowling, tennis and even boxed against eachother. For those of you who do not know the Wii actually makes you commit to physical activity to play the games. You play with motion sensative wands instead of controllers. Anyway. Watching them play the games together, laughing that little laugh you get when you are doing something embarrassing, but it doesn't matter because you are doing it in front of someone you love and it just isn't that embarrassing anymore. It's just a little thing, but watching them I missed that. Almost as much as I miss the physical interactions, I miss the little things as well. The shared laughs, knowing smiles, comforting holds in the middle of the night, little sips of eachother's drinks, bites of eachother's food. The little things are so much more important when they are gone. I miss the kisses in the rain, hugs in the snow, laughter in the sun, whispers in the dark, affection under the shower head. So in closing, since I have brought the party down. Tonight when you are with that special someone in your life, hug them close and thank the heavens that you have them. Hold them a little closer, kiss them a little longer, love them with a little more meaning. Enjoy them and their company on the approaching "Holiday". Sleep well people. Quote: But this is my heart! I'm afraid that if they take it away I won't be able to love you the same. Adam (Christian Slater) - Untamed Heart |
| A special thanks goes out to the ladie Highwind for me new most specialest sig for my BLOG. As soon as I remember how to work the mumbo jumbo to post it I will. Some dust as collected on the ol noggin. I can't remember how to do that kind of stuffage anymore. The first issue of Stephen King's Dark Tower comic came out this past week and I must say that I was impressed. The art is amazing, such vibrant colors. I've been away for a few days, because once again my comp went fubar and I had to reformat, twice, because I screwed it up the first time. lol. I am saddened because tomorrow is not what I thought it was. You see some friends and I go every Monday to lunch at a Mongolian restuarant called Ghengis Khan's. So if you are every passing through Virginia and you go into a Mongolian and you see a group of guys working the Mongolian Magic of two fresh bowls merging into one cooked bowl, that's us. But I'm getting away from my story. We've been going there almost every Monday for nearly two years. I was really looking forward to tomorrow because I thought it was Chinese New Year. So I was looking forward to going in to tell them Happy New Year. It's not much, but they are all Asian and you can just tell how much they appreciate that someone in America would know even something so small about their culture. I hope that don't sound a little rude or anything. It doesn't quite read right to me for some reason. Anywho, Imagine my chagrin when I realized that it is not tomorrow but the Monday after that, that is Chinese New Year. Well at least I realized it now and not after I said Happy New Year to them tomorrow. That would have been a little embarrassing. lol. Anyway, I'm tired and I'ma goin ta bed. Nytol. |
| I've been sitting her for what seems like days now, having the same thought. Because of that I have to wonder, Am I a glutton for punishment? I have been thinking of fleshing out my BLOG entries that talked about my life and creating a story out of them. I started once, but just seemed to be retyping the original entries. I am not good at the editing and rewriting proccess of writing. There is just this little voice in my head telling me to rewrite the entries. I am fighting it, mainly because I don't think I would finish it. I am some what of a procrastinator. Anyway I have been doing my part the last couple of days to go back and read as well as comment in the BLOG's that I used to read as well as a few of the new people who have dropped me a visit here. I forgot really how good it can feel to even leave just a little comment to let people know that what they are writing is read and appreciated. Today for the most part has been a good day. The shadows are shut up in whatever room of my mind they hide themselves in. I have fought the urge to climb back into bed under the covers and stay there. Man I tell you this depression thing kind of sucks. IF anyone ever tells you, "Hey man, you've got to try some of this depression it's the bees knees." You have no choice but to slap them repeatedly about the head and shoulders. Seriously. Even today when I feel in a relative good mood there is still that distant feeling of misery and sadness. I find myself having the crazy Sci-Fi thoughts of the desperate. Man if I had done this different or that different. Then there is the soft voice in my head that tells me to stop that kind of thinking. It tells me that only by accepting past mistakes can I learn and move forward. That seems like a smart thing for my mind to think. The problem is my heart always say, "Oh, pffff, what do you know mind." Until we speak again. Peace. |
| Once again I am saddened. I realized what happened to my missing sigs. I recently reformated my computer and forgot to save my sigs. I am heart broken. I know I will never get them back. I had some nice one's from Highwind and Flower. Now they are gone. I'm such the doofus sometimes. Silly ol me. Well the big game is over and I will be the controversial one. I'm glad Manning got a Super Bowl ring. I don't think he desreved the MVP that should have gone to Addai. He ran for 70 yards, one TD, 10 receptions and 60 yards recieving. Politics I say. Anyway I feel a little better today, which is better than yesterday, which is better than the day before. There are still moments when I feel that ugly little depresion monster sitting on my shoulder, but I fight him off. I know I should see someone for my problem, but money being funny like it is, I don't see it happening anytime soon. Dee is on medication for her own depression; prozac or somesuch thing. I don't know if that is the way I want to go. I have nothing against the use of drugs to help for problems, there are times when I think it is needed. I just think that our society used prescription drugs sometimes when it is not needed, just becuase it seems to be the easiest way to handle the problem. <<<<<<Insert anger filled comments here)))))))) Anyway I am tired and I just know that no matter what I think I want, Dee is waiting for me in my dreams, if not in my world. Cherrios Quote; I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be our style. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever. Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves) - The Replacements |
| Today I noticed something strange. It would seem that all of my sigs have disappeared. This sadens me. I had some nice sigs that have been gifted to me since I joined the world of WDC. Then that started me to thinking. The last year has been troubling. I have lost the urge to write once again. Everytime I sit down to try nothing comes of it. I have written nothing worth posting it would seem. So I tried to serialize the entries from this BLOG that told my life story (starting on page 9 of the BLOG I believe with entry 170) and even that didn't hold my interest long enough to continue with it. So I have gone months without entries in my folders or my BLOG itself. During that time away it seems like all of the friends I made here (most of them on the BLOG lists on the left of your screen) It seems that all of them have drifted away. There were days when I would get close to 8 comments aday and over 50 views. Now I am lucky to get a single comment or even near ten views. I guess the old saying out of sight out of mind. I don't blame any of them for drifting away, it happens. When you disappear for months on time, you are forgotten. Or maybe not forgotten, but you see the name listed on the BLOG list when you come to read your favorites for the day and you think, "Oh yeah, I remember that guy, I'll come back and read later." I sit and wonder what everyone I used to talk to here is doing, then I think to myself, "Well jeez you'd have to go back and read almost a year of their BLOGs to catch up on what has happened and I'm too lazy for that." So I read a few entries and I leave without comment. Sadly, scared that I would get nothing in return. Well now all my sigs are gone, especially my favorite one that used to rest at top of this BLOG. It was like a ghost walking over a bridge. I loved it, now it's gone, just like all my friends seem to be. Quote; You hear that ringing in your ears? That 'eeeee'? That's your ear cells dying. You'll never be able to hear that frequency again. Enjoy it while you can. Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore) - Children of Men Sure it has nothing to do with what was talked about, but it's a damn good movie. Go see it while you can. |
| ......I wish I could go back and relive the past. You know I wonder, what if I had turned down this hallway, instead of going out the door? What if I didn't spend my high school years in a drunken stupor? The funny thing is, as dark as some of my days are. I don't want to go back to change things for myself. I want to go back and change things for Dee. As alone as I am her loneliness has to be worse than mine. She finds other poeple to share her life with, but she finds herself alone in spite of it. Every guy she has ever been with has treated her like the lowest form of life. They have abuse her trust and love. The last case being no different than any other. After her husband cheated on her and in the midst of her filing for divorce we ended up involved with eachother again, but things as they always are it didn't work out between us. I recently discovered that she started seeing this guy on the rebound. Six months ago, she gave birth to a little girl. Like every other man in her life this guy turned out no better. He was a crack addict. He stole her credit cards and she had to press charges. He is facing nine felony counts of credit card fraud and is awaiting sentencing. If I could I would go back and find the one thing that would have made her life come out like roses. As depressed and alone as I get at times I would suffer it gladly for her to have a happy and brilliant life. Is that sad? Pitiful? I don't know. All I know is that I love her more than anything. I have dreams and these dreams tell me things sometimes. Now, I am not sure that I believe in such things, but it happens. After my experiences with Kristina I had stopped writing until my grandfather, dead almost thirty years came to me and told me that I shouldn't hide my talent because of something someone else said or did. Before my Uncle died a year and a half ago. I dreamt of him just a few days before. I was driving with him in a tractor trailer and we we're cruising the highways into the sunset. He told me that, this is where he was always the happiest. Maybe in heaven he will be able to drive forever. Two days before a family friend died six months ago I dreamt that I was sitting watching my father and some of his friends playing softball. The family friend walked up and told me to take care that he was leaving soon. For the last week I have dreamt of Dee every night. Every single time I lay my head to pillow, she invades my dreams. Every time my eyes close she is there. We talk and we play. We whisper and we scream. At the end of these dreams for the last three days she has kissed me and told me that she is there for me, she knows that I need someone to talk to and she is the only one who understands me. She is the only one that will listen. So I called her when I knew that she was at work and told her to email me, or maybe contact me through MSN Messenger. I called when she was at work, because the nerves overtook my body so much that I could barely breath almost like an anxiety attack. I haven't heard from her yet, and part of me hopes I won't. The other part of me prays that she does. Quote; Would it make a difference if I told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you? ...I am not saying that, I am just saying it like if you were a girl, would that be something you would want to hear? Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher) - Butterfly Effect |
| ....I feel as if I am being swallowed up. I am utterly alone. Even in a crowd of people I feel as if I could just stand there and I would be unnoticed. When ever I open my mouth to speak, I feel as if I am on the verge of tears. All I want to do is sleep. To stay in bed and await the world to pass me by. I have so much to say, but the words escape me. I long for someone to talk to who will listen and understand, but no one does and there is no one. Everyone offers weak words of sympathy and comfort. Yet all I want to do is scream that they do not understand, they do not care, there is no compassion. Depression is looked at like desperation. "Oh my, they are so desperate for attention." Everyone looks at the depressed as if they are crazy. After all what is there to be depressed about? Right? RIGHT? ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's as if the world is closing in and I feel smothered, gasping for air. Sometimes I want to just pack a bag and disappear. I want to wander the world on a hope and a prayer. I am just so alone. Nothing and no one can help me. You can't talk to anyone. They all have the same answers. Someone will come along when you lease expect it. You can't find love until you love yourself. Oh yeah well if no one else will love me why should I love myself. ANSWER ME!!!!!!!! I hate it. I hate this. There is no where to turn that is not filled with false sympathy. No where that is not filled with that look that says they desperatley want to look at their watch to see how much longer they have to stay in the room. There is no where to turn where you don't get, Well I hope you look back on your childhood with happiness. There is no where without a, Well don't do nothing stupid. I'm standing in a crowd screming in silence for help and no one hears. They ignore the look in my eyes. They can't see that I just want to be held and told it will be all right. I just want to have someone to cry against. They just smile, pat me on the back and say, Hey man it will get better, just you wait. Oh yeah, well what if it doesn't what then? WHAT THEN!!!!!!! There is just one person who listens, but I think she's is having enough problems in her own life at the moment. I don't think she will return my call. Sitting here I have to wonder, maybe she won't think I am worth it. I hate this. It hurts from the tears straining to escape my eyes, to the lump in my throat, to the jack hammering of my heart. Maybe depression is desperation after all. Some days I wish I just stayed in bed. |
| My dreams have left a pall over my waking world. I have dreamt of her everyday for the last week. Everyday, without fail she is waiting for me as REM takes over. Last night we were working together in the same job, after work we were at her house and as I readied to leave she stodd before me grabbed me by may face and kissed me. My eyes closed and I felt as if I was drowning. She pulled away from me and said "I told you that your time would come. Call me." Then I awakened. Now sitting here two hours awake, my stomach is a bundle of twisted nerves. It seems to ride up my throat making my heart beat faster. The feeling is running like an electric warmth down my arms. I almost feel like crying becuase of the nervousness I feel. What are dreams that they can have so much power of me when I am awake. How dare they give me what I want, that part of me wants to go back to bed hoping to close my eyes and see her waiting for me, open arms, and a warm kiss hello. My pillow calls, but I must fight it. Quote; Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for our children. For the first time I saw them. Thank you for being someone I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness. For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you. God, you were my life. I apologize for everytime I ever failed you. Especially this one... Chris Nelson (Robin Williams) - What Dreams May Come |
| I have been trying to sleep, but can't My mind keeps racing from subject to subject like a car going downslope with no brakes. Uncontrolable. We finished closing down the story today and strangely enough that didn't bother me. What bothered me was saying goodbye to people in the mall whom I have worked with for the last near three years. Or course, I will be going back to the mall, but thinking that I wouldn't see them everyday from now on bothered me. Now laying here trying to sleep the loneliness has crept like a cold shadow over my soul. I miss closeness and warmth. We were at a friends house over the weekend watching movie. Another friend showed up with a girl friend of his. There were not enough seats in the house for everyone, their was eight of us, so at somepoint during the night the girl friend ended up laying in the floor on her side watching the movie. A big part of me wanted to slide in the floor with her, hold her close, rest a hand on the warmth of her stomach, rest my head against her neck, breathe in the smell of her hair and drift off never to awaken again. I wasn't attracted to her at all, but seeing her there brought back memories of along time ago. Even though the happiness back then was imagined there were times that I remember fondly. There was no attraction to her, but seeing her there brought back memories of having someone to hold, to share warmth, to share comfort. Sometimes I can feel the deptession raging against the doors that I keep shut, fighting to escape and consume me. It's a struggle to keep it trapped away. There are days when I want to let it out to ravage my life and give me the excuse to give up. To float away. It's not a losing battle however and I continue to fight. In a few days it will pass and the sun will shine again. My mind sometimes is too smart for it's own good. I'm not one of those people who can lie to themselves and believe the lies they are told. I tell myself that If I had someone to share it all with, someone to hold me against their bossom to cry away all the pain it would make it a little more bearable, but I know that is a lie. Most days I wish I could believe the lies of comfort. I think I have brought the mood down enough. Good night, sleep well. Quote: The important thing in life is to believe that while you're alive, it's never too late. I promise you, Jean, no matter how bad things look, they look better awake than they do asleep. When you die, there's only one thing you want to happen. You wanna come back. Jack Starks (Adrien Brody) - The Jacket |
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I took a look and it seems interesting.