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 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| Friday has turned into quite the event. At about five my mother called me and asked me to come keep her and Vicky(my coworker) busy as they did some volunteer work for the church they go to. So, I grab my Mencius book(since I have a lot of reading to catch up on) and hitch a ride with her over there. 6 hours later I'm covered in paper scraps and my lungs are on fire. All I'm gonna say is, the 'J' man owes me big. Came home and talked to Silver for a little bit about movies over scroll. I got another warning for saying "ROFLMAO" in scroll. Didn't even think about it until Silver says, "You mean laughing off your ARM, right?" Shit. That's like warning number 8. Damn the Man. Feeling lonely tonight. Don't have too many friends I feel all together comfortable hanging out with anymore. Been trying to take positive steps in my life: staying away from pot, focusing on my writing, getting through school. Although none of my friends stand in the way of school(that is #1 priority not to fuck with me about) the others are a bit shakey. Everyone I hang out with always screams out, "Why don't you smoke?" Those that aren't that blatant smoke in front of me. It's hard to say no, and so I have to keep my distance. It wouldn't be so bad if pot was like alcohol to me. I can function on pot. I'm not sure I'm really interested in drinking anymore, either. I've never liked it, but it has been a part of the scene. Who knows. My brother and his girlfriend were downstairs playing poker and drinking with a couple of their friends and they asked me to join them and drink a little and I just couldn't find the urge within me. I could, however, find myself sitting at my computer smoking. I miss my friends of old. I miss them, but I also miss what they represented. A stability and acceptance I don't quite feel in my life right now. I lament this so often in my blog posts, but I miss knowing they are coming over on Friday night. I miss them coming to play Dungeons and Dragons. Like clockwork. Better yet, they wanted to come. No one felt obligated. The last time I had that was...back when I was 17. 5 years have passed and ever since then I've always felt like a little piece of my heart is missing. Those two friends, both named Dan, have taken their own paths down roads I will not go. Big Dan, or Dan Gottschalk, took the dark descending path following parties and acid into the abyss. The last time he ever talked to me was when I was 18. He had me come help his family move, the last words we spoke to one another were "good-bye" as he dropped me back off at home. Little Dan, or Dan Gade, took a winding path through obstacles of life I could not follow without falling off the trail. He flirted with drugs; both using and selling. He became that "cool" kid we hated in High School. The last time I really talked with my Kindergarden friend was when I was 21, about six months ago. He called me one day after a long weekend of partying and told me about how he was going to "bust some niggers up". He had never said something like that before, at least not to me. He had changed, abused our friendship, and I could no longer accept his kind of anger be a part of my life anymore. Somehow I've been able to remain this kid in my heart. Still desiring those long nights of gaming on uncomfortable wooden chairs. Laughing over a bottle of Vodka we stole from one of our parents. Big Dan being the largest out of all of us, yet heaving in the bathroom after one or two shots. This reminds me of such a funny story I have to share... On the night of Big and Little Dan's graduation(I was one year younger than them) we had a party because my parents were out of town. We had Big Dan's friend Anthony buy us some alcohol and we drank over at my place. Big Dan got so drunk that after a shot with Little Dan and I he went into the bathroom. The son-of-a-bitch comes out of the bathroom and up to Little Dan and I. "I pissed on your wall" he said. I laughed thinking he was shitting me. He wasn't. He literally pissed on the wall next to the toilet as if he decided the double-image of the toilet was the best bet. He was a prick, but I loved those guys like brothers. How time changes people. It is simply amazing. I would pay a King's Fortune for one of those nights back. |
| To be honest, I hate the use of "TGIF", but today is a special day. I have made it through this week and I didn't think I was going to. Two seperate 5 page papers due this week and another at the end of last. Now I can focus on my midterms this upcoming week! Why am I in school again? So guess what? The wonderful Shattered Angel has finally created a blog!
You will go there now! Stop reading! Read hers! Support her! Do it now or fear the wrath of the Wombat! Last night as I was procrastinating on my paper I had possibly the most fun I've ever had here on Writing.com. loon and myself had an all out race for 520. She won, but I feel I put in the good fight. I love her to death, even if she is a punk. I had another one of my philosophical discussions with susanL. I love talking about this stuff, and since I got in the spirit of Mencius yesterday I thought I might take a piece out of his work again which reflects the discussion we were having last night. The talks we had last night were about, like usual, the War and how our Country is being ran. I was kind of disturbed yesterday when I discovered that nearly 3000 government workers will lose their jobs in New Orleans because the government simply can't afford to pay them. I know this might be an easy shot, but I'm going to put it out there anyways: "We can't pay workers who have lost their homes and life, but we can pay for a war that is quickly spiraling into oblivion costing near 2000 lives of your brave men and women?" We discussed what it means to accept the responsibility that you have been wrong about something, and how I feel that our President doesn't necessarily accept anything he has ever done(barring his apology of the response to NO)as wrong. For a while there, it was even "unpatriotic" to think that the President could be doing wrong. With that said, I now give you a story from Mencius... Mencius, Page 91, Book 2: Part B The people of Yen rose in rebellion. The King of Ch'i said, 'I am very much ashamed to face Mencius.' 'You should not let this affair worry you,' said Ch'en Chia. 'Which do you think a wiser and more benevolent man, the Duke of Chou or yourself?' 'What a thing to ask!' 'The Duke of Chou made Kuan Shu overlord of Yin and Kuan Shu used it as a base to stage a rebellion. If the Duke of Chou sent Kuan Shu knowing what was going to happen, then he was not benevolent; if he sent him for lack of foresight, then he was unwise. Even the Duke of Chou left something to be desired in the way of benevolence and wisdom. How much more in the case of Your Majesty. May I be permitted to go and disabuse Mencius' mind?' He went to see Mencius. 'What sort of a man,' he asked, 'was the Duke of Chou?' 'A sage of antiquity.' 'Is it true that he made Kuan Shu overlord of Yin and Kuan Shu used it to stage a rebellion?' 'Yes.' 'Did the Duke send him, knowing that he was going to stage a rebellion?' 'No. He did not.' 'In that case even a sage makes mistakes.' 'The Duke of Chou was the younger brother of Kuan Shu. Is it not natural for him to have made such a mistake? Furthermore, when he made a mistake, the gentleman of antiquity would make amends, while the gentleman of today persists in his mistakes. When the gentleman of antiquity made a mistake it was there to be seen by all the people, like the eclipse of the sun and the moon; and when he made amends the people looked up to him. The gentleman of today not only persists in his mistakes but tries to gloss over them.' Mencius lived during the early years of 300 B.C. That's before Jesus Christ made his bold and inspiring sacrifice. How can such wisdom be ignored for so many years? 2300 years and some still have yet to learn. I am not perfect, and as I told susanL last night, I will not put the brunt of my true thoughts on the war or our President completely on the table. Although I don't agree with the President I have unimaginable respect for the men and women out there that pledge and give their life for the ideal of the U.S. Yet, should we ask these brave young men and women to give their lives for something I don't think the average American fully believes anymore? Would you give your son, your husband, your father to this? I have a family friend preparing to fly out to Iraq right now. He volunteered to be reinstated active duty to go out there. He has a wife, a four year old son, and a new born. He believes that when our President puts out a call against a perceived enemy that it is in the right and something he should answer. I respect this man's moral courage more than I can put into words. I don't, however, want to go to his funerl and see his flag folded before my eyes to be writing something ten years from now like many have written about Vietnam. When is enough, enough? Even if I am naive and it is for a good and just cause? |
| Ugh. 2:04 in the AM and I am done with my paper. I'm actually 500 words short, but fuck it! I honestly feel I have a solid paper and to add anything else to it would be just to put worthless filler. I'm so tired. So...so tired. loon might have won the battle, but I go out tonight with 239 views on my blog. Thank you Shattered for your enthusiastic support ;) Tomorrow I am going to come home and sleep. Sleep forever. Never going to wake up. At least not until Monday, because I need to do my first midterm. Then a week from today(Friday) I have my second midterm. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. When I get tired I cuss. Screw sophistacated vernacular. |
| Boo-yah! 500 views! //Edit 01 Just so you all know, loon is a punk. She is trying to make this whole view thing into a chase. I would plug her Blog to show you guys, but that would defeat the purpose of me leaving her in in the dust. It's on like Donkey Kong. |
| A mid-day post! Boo-yah! I've been thinking about some of the stuff I've been learning in my Chinese class over the past couple of months. I've been pretty bad about that class. I couldn't get too interested in it at first and so I skipped a lot of the original lectures. Yet, now that we are getting into the meat of the literature I'm hooked. I'm not sure if too many of you have read anything from the Confucian writers of the Chinese culture. Confucius, Mencius, and Chu Hsi are just a few of them. They were philosophers that basically started a religion, but they were generally different in their philosophy. They were interested in the philosophy of living, hardly breaking the seal of things like, "Why are we alive?" or "Is God real?" Their philosophy grew from the idea of how one should lead their life, and how a King should lead their people. At this point in our history we don't have Kings, but I think that every person that hopes to be a President, Governor, or even business manager should be forced to go through a years seclusion where they can be made to read these pieces. In these books you find some very simple yet very powerful concepts on what it is to be a stand-up leader. What it means to take responsibility for your actions, and learning how to amend them. For example, here is a tid-bit that has some astounding relevance to today's current events as told by the Chinese Philosopher Mencius: Mencius,Pg. 88, Book 2: Part B:4 Mencius went to P'ing Lu. 'Would you or would you not,' said he to the governer, 'dismiss a lancer who has failed three times in one day to report for duty?' 'I would not wait for the third time.' 'But you yourself have failed to report for duty many times. In years of famine close on a thousand of your people suffered, the old and the young being abandoned in the gutter, the able-bodied scattered in all directions.' 'It was not within my power to do anything about this.' 'Supposing a man were entrusted with the care of cattle and sheep. Surely he ought to seek pasturage and fodder for the animals. If he found that this could not be done, should he return his charge to the owner or should he stand by and watch the animals die?' 'In this I am at fault.' On another day Mencius saw the King. 'Of the officials who are in charge of your provinces,' said he, 'I know five. The only one who realizes his own fault is K'ung Chu-hsin. May I repeat our conversation for you.' 'In this I am really the one at fault,' said the King. There are so many things like this within this book. This isn't a bash against our government or anything like that. Rather, I think it is a concept I feel anyone from a parent to a leader should look into. This is not something about religious dogma, but what it is to work towards being a good human being. To be honest, I consider myself Buddhist. There is a great rift between Confucian and Buddhist belief, but I find that there can be much to learn between the two. I think both of them actually go well hand-in-hand when both are studied for what they are. Anyways, my moment of enlightenment for the day. Take care all! :) |
| Today has been a long day. When I returned home I came home to the task of a 5 page paper on Confucius thought on "Learning" as so laid out by Chu Hsi. I had to argue for or against his beliefs and in the end I met a middle ground between the two. Tomorrow I have a 5 page paper on the French Revolution and its impact on William Blake's "Marriage of Heaven and Hell". So much fun. I'm rewarding myself with this first of many hurdles by eating Ice Cream and watching my newly acquired "Gladiator: Extended Edition" because God knows I need more violence in my life. I also want to thank Michele for helping me get everything figured out tonight. I want her to know that she will never be replaceable in any aspect of my life! She has been with me a long time and she has seen every aspect of my heart and my mind! May she know that she is forever important to me no matter what happens. And with that, back to Gladiator. And sleep. Sweet God in heaven do I need sleep. |
| Candle light is beautiful. In this day and age the average American uses candles for emergency use, or maybe for those romantic evenings. I used to sit with them aglow night after night as I read a book to them. Even now as I type this light up I want to close the lid of my laptop and set it aside and listen to the sound of a piano in the background and just stare into those comforting orange flames. I am doing this tonight as a way of relaxing. An attempt to find relaxation in a place I normally don’t. A friend of mine suggested I do something like this when I feel I need to calm down. She is truly wise beyond her years. My heart feels closer and closer to this point of renewal. Whereas only a month ago I was ready to lie down I feel myself beginning to walk. With each step I feel my heart beginning to gain momentum again. I still wish I could take a vacation but somehow things have begun to drop into perspective. It’s a nice feeling because for once in a long time it seems like I can take a firm hold to something. I think I’ve began to understand a lot of my insomnia. I took two Tylenol PM about an hour ago and I’m feeling it clawing at my eyelids. They invite them to fall so that I might be taken into their aided rest. Yet, my mind fights it. When did I come to a point of being so afraid of sleep? Do I truly fear what hides behind these waking moments? Maybe I fear losing something. I talked to Susan a good deal today. She is a wonderful woman and her talents are worth looking at if you get the chance. She goes under the name of susanL here at W.com and I’m sure all of you have in one way or another ran into her. She is the one that suggested I use the candles. How right she is. Here at W.com I feel like I’ve been given the chance at a family I never had. In the world I grew up in there was no place for someone like me with such lofty dreams. Everyone is always at a rush to cut my dreams off with “Not many ever achieve that.” Through the support from you folks here at W.com I feel like that dream is not just something I can achieve, but something that is only a matter of time. I purchased some gift points today. I’ve dispersed most of them in various gifts and merit badges. The merit badge was given to Shattered Angel. I’m sure this is a name that many are familiar with. I’m not sure how often she reads this blog, but there have been many a night where it’s one in the morning my time and she has hopped right into my portfolio to check out a new piece of mine. I’m glad I was able to honor her with a merit badge, even though people like her, susanL, and loon deserve so much more than I can ever possibly give them in return for their support. So, with all that said I think I am going to turn in for the night. The Sandman beckons me to bed where I might be tucked away. Thank you all and good night! |
| So yeah. Been procrastinating on the Blog posts. It is a mix of sickness/cleaning/Doom 3. I'm not sure how many have actually played Doom 3. It is quite possibly the scariest fucking thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's like subjecting yourself to a terrific haunted house. I can't play it like any other normal human being though. When I play, the room has to be completely dark. I have to have my four point sound system with subwoofer on. I can't have any music on: just the sounds coming from the game. It puts me on edge. If I had a gun sitting next to my computer while I was playing, and someone barged into my room trying to scare me I would shoot them and ask questions later. The game is a test of one's sanity. The whole premise is that you are a Marine on Mars and the company you work for has found a way of teleporting into Hell. As if this doesn't lead to a far from stellar happy ending, they figure, "Shit, let's not try and put Lucifer in a cage!" Suffice to say, it's not a place you take the kids to go for a vacation. You only have a gun, a flashlight, and the desire to whipe Lucifer's ass straight back to Hell. Keeping in mind that you can't use the gun and flashlight at the same time. Muzzle fire might be the only guide you have. Zombies are everywhere, demons snarl and slash at you from the darkness that pervades the posessed outpost. None of that scares me as much as two instances in this game. Sometimes spirits, or disembodied demons, or something will randomly talk to you. At one point one of them whispers into your ear, "Follow me." If you are keen and take a look at the ground bloody footprints trail you to a door, to which you go down a hallway. At the end of the hallway is a locked door, but your vision goes red and the voice comes back. "They took my baby" it says, and a mind splitting baby cry comes from across the boundaries of Heaven and Hell and right onto the physical plane. This made my stomach knot. But the worst was yet to come. You become privy to exactly what did happen to the babies. It's not explained who is responsible, but at one point I'm going down a hallway and a toddlers head appears from down the end of the hall. Dragging its normal upper torso into view, I'm shocked to see monsterous wings and the lower body of what looks like an insent. It screams leaping at me. Two shots of a shotgun and its nothing more than a smear on the ground. I would like to consider myself quite open about games and their use of graphic content. I do, however, feel the desire to comment on what will games become in a couple more years? Doom 3 on my system is very life like. Granted, I can still tell it is a game, but what is it going to be like when it is as real as watching me hack someone's body up? I'm not saying that this is something that is going to lead to insanity or any of the like, but I can definately tell you that Doom 2 was an easier play for me than Doom 3 has been. The game is such a shock to my system. It is quite possibly the scarriest thing I have ever experienced. No book or movie has ever made me feel the way I do when I have spent a good hour or two playing this game - if I can get that far. I'm still itching to play though. What does that say about me? |
| Dangit. Said "Crap" in scroll without thinking. I am going to get banned for stupidity LOL Ugh. It's actually funny how the brain slips it. I am a bad seed. |
| The e-mail I get in the mail when I don't blog for a day sometimes raises my hopes! I always see it there and I go, "Shit yeah, I got e-mail!" And then it's just the blog update. Ugh. So bored. Hate being sick. Trapped in the home, especially when there are such good movies out right now! I want to go see Serenity! Watching South Park right now. They are tripping out on Cough Medicine. I have nver, in all of my drug use, particpated in something like that. I am so happy I haven't. I heard it is one of the worst feelings in your life. It ranks up there with people that get high off of compressed air. That's right: compressed air. I know a boy that overdosed and died off of it. Christ on a cross. Why do people fall so far? |
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