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 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| I have finally cut my hair! I feel so much better. I didn't shave it though. Much to the chagrin of some people. Mmm...beef jerky. Need to go buy a bike tire pump and lock. I'm sick of paying my soul for gas! Almost 50 dollars to fill up our work SUV. Crap. |
| I am currently being talked into a hole by my mother about her drinking. Pretty much I'm bad because I can't take it anymore. Oh god end my life. Just a quick snap of lightning. Or stab my ears. My eyes. My heart. Tension. Always tension. Quick chew a blood pressure pill. //Post-post So...holy crap...4 years since 9/11/05. I can't believe that it has been that long. I still remember waking up to my mom telling me that someone crashed a plane into a building in New York. I sat glued to my TV for the rest of that day. I played EverQuest for most of the day and talked to the people within the game about it. I actually remember what character I was playing, where I was. Dravier 32 Warrior in Splitpaw Den in South Karanas. Even today I wonder what it must be like for people that are my age who lost their firefighter/paramedic/policeman parent to it. To them I hope four years has given them something back. |
| I really haven't posted too much about life since the return of my mother. Yet again life feels like I've been thrown back to being thirteen again. Everyone sits on top of a thin string, everyone trying not to make too large a movement for fear of breaking the rope. My blood pressure is sky rocketing. It was 147/105 when I tested it. The norm being 120/80. I have one kidney(born without) and because of it I have this curse. I had to call in another prescription of blood pressure medication. Feel like crap. Tired and exhausted. |
| Sometimes I question if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Love has such a steep debt to it. Once you have taken that chance you will never be free of its cost if you lose it. Even today has been a day of lamenting old love. The realization that to move on from one you love you have to hurt them. Does this make life better or richer in some aspect? Cursed for eternity to carry the burden of those you've lost and those you have hurt? Can we ever be free of our shadow? I hear a resounding "no". |
| I need a hair cut. So bad. I'm looking like a loose hobo. But here comes my dilemna. I am balding. 22 and balding. It's not incredibly bad yet, but it is noticeable. So, I've been struggling with the idea of shaving it. I'm afraid though that in doing so I will only make myself look more like a freak. Damn my sideshow tendencies! Wondering what I look like? Ask no more! http://www.myspace.com/23428229 You can find a picture there, but please: save the rotten fruit. |
| Recently I've been getting a lot of reader feedback about my blog. Makes me feel all warm and squishy inside! susanL and Lady Lilly are awesome. If you haven't seen their portfolio, you need to go there. Right now. Stop reading this unless you've went. Okay, have you gone? Anyways, so my friend Jeff came over last night and we talked for a bit. He came bearing the news that Sheryl was basically beating herself to death over everything. I guess she's been doing nothing but sitting around drinking and smoking herself into a hole. I just told him that at the moment I don't harbor any anger towards Sheryl or anybody. Instead, I told him that I really needed time to gather greater control for myself. I have this problem with internalizing everything and exploding at a later date. I've come to terms with it, and I know that it is a part of me. I don't, however, like doing it to other people and so until I can get back into counseling and work my way through it I'm not sure I really want to have a close friendship or relationship with anyone. I sent her an e-mail last night telling her not to be sad about it. She replied today saying thanks and that she won't let it hurt her anymore. I also cleared things up with Jinx, and that makes me feel worse about my situation. I just can't express myself as easily as other people. In the back of my mind I fear they'll yell at me and tell me I'm wrong. I dunno. Anyways, drama is carrying on and I need to keep it in order. Take care until you hear from me again ;) |
| So last night I finally had it out with my mom. Once and for all I just stood up to her and told her exactly how I felt about her drinking, and at least I'm making good on a promise I made to her when I was sixteen: partially. I've had to tell her on three seperate occasions. When I was 16, 17, and 22. That promise was: "If you ever drink and treat me like that again you'll never hear from me again." Unfortunately, I can't quite fulfill the completion of that promise due to my financial situation, but I decided to make my steps in other ways. Although it sucks, and I need to get another job, I told her I was no longer going to work for her. I told her also that we couldn't have a mother/son relationship until she decided to honestly get help. I told her she wasn't a bad person, but that she was sick. She didn't like what I had to say. She said I was a traitor, a backstabber, that I was brain washed by my father, and that I had no idea as to how difficult it was for her to do it. I simply replied, "Do you know what it's like to see your mother dragged, kicking and screaming out of your house when you are only five?" She was forced into a hospital stay rehab. Since then she hasn't received any help. As time marched on things only became worse for us. Eventually it became one of those relationships where she would keep my pacified by supplying me money, but after some big problems I couldn't stand for it anymore. Two weeks ago she left a message on my phone calling me a fucker. It was done. I woke up feeling really good about myself. The thanks belongs to my father, though. We were talking about how all of this was hurting me, and for the first time in fifteen years I cried in front of my father. My father has always had an odd relationship because my mother practically brainwashed me to hate him when I was a child. We've always been at odds with one another, but over the past couple of years as I've grown a little older and more mature I've found that he is as good a man as they come. Anyways, I lie. So much to you all. More drama seems to be brewing on the horizon. Jeff(see posts from about two weeks ago) called me and asked if he could come and talk to me. The ambassador from the planet Sheryl shall be ariving shortly. Ugh, that's not fair. I like Jeff. I just don't like the feeling of him being a puppet for the Queen. Yargh! I'm such a dick sometimes. |
| More drama. Last time I promise. Last night I had a talk with Jinx. Recently in the past two weeks she has been rather hurtful as much as she has been helpful. She has developed this interest in embarassing me in public, and recently I've taken it. It was the other night though that things changed. When you have been friends with someone for five years you find that you know exactly how to hurt a person. I think in my life I have only unleashed that kind of knowledge upon a person for evil once. She, however, used it openly and in a forum she knew I would be sure to find it. I don't mean forum as in a web forum. Specifically it was in her Livejournal. It was an entry she wrote after we broke up and she attacked every part of me that you have seen me writing about in here. Calling me "damaged" and "not worth trying for". I know, and understand, the desire to say such things when you are in pain. I've been tempted to on many occasions myself, but I understand what it means to still want to be a friend with somoene and so you keep it to yourself or you just vent it out to a friend. You don't just say it to the person, especially when you know what it will do to the person. So, last night she called me. I hadn't been able to get ahold of her the entire weekend because she was over at AJ's and so I confronted her about it. She told me that she didn't mean those things she said to me to be hurtful, but that she was joking. The problem with that is, my friend Shauna, who has been hanging out with us for months, actually pulled me over the other night to ask me how I didn't tell her to shove it and why I hadn't attacked her back. I confronted her about calling me damaged. She merely said it was out of anger. Maybe I'm just cold, but I couldn't accept that from her. There were so many things I could say about her, but she's my friend, and one of my oldest at that. She said I make things too difficult when they really shouldn't be, and she apologized to me that she made it sound that way. I accepted her apology, but I'm not quite ready to just be okay with it. This morning in her journal she wrote a long post about how she's sick of people making her feel bad. A part of me is made even angrier about that comment. It's wrong to hurt her feelings, but it's okay for me to feel bad? I didn't call her names, I didn't call her a bad person, I didn't say anything about her. All I said was my own feelings, and I get that response? The angry side of me just wants to call her and tell her, "You know what? Come get your shit." A larger part of me just says let it roll off. Let her be mad about it. Maybe I'm the one being wrong about it. I don't know. To take a quote from her, "I'm just sick of the drama." |
| I'm sitting in my computer literacy class. I know more than my teacher. He doesn't even know where you plug in the keyboard and mouse. Stab me with a 2 bit RAM chip. Ahh...sweet, sweet lucky # 2. |
| Sometimes I'm the worst offender of emotional ignorance. In the past year I've been so wrapped up in my own emotional state that I don't quite consider that of others, I guess. I hate being called "damaged". Recently it seems to be a pretty adhesive label to me. What do I expect when I read my ex-girlfriends Livejournal? Ugh. Sometimes I don't wonder if I need to just leave everything and everyone. Move somewhere where people don't know me in so that I might be able to rebuild in life and in my own mind. Something always comes back to haunt me here and I'm just sick of it happening. Everyone always tells me "Don't live in the past", yet somehow I find myself stumbling into it all the time. Last night was good otherwise. My brother's girlfriend and I went out and had Sushi, then went to this Peter Piper Pizza type place called "Amazing Jake's", and finished the night off with watching "The Brother's Grimm". I've heard some awful things about it, but honestly I thought it was pretty good. I'll grant you that some things seem half-baked, but overall I thought it was a cool little idea that mixed some of the most popular of fairy tales. Anyways, I'm gonna write a bit. Maybe you guys will get lucky and have yet another piece of writing sitting in my Portfolio. |
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