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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| So, one week from this minute, I will already be in Ottawa getting ready for a date. LOL I am not at all sure about this one. I can't believe I agreed to meet this guy for dinner. My parents tried to set me up with the fellow from their church. Nice guy, major geek, but the most perfect manners you could ever hope to find on a human being. It is probably the manners thing that encouraged me to actually meet him. I may regret it, but it's just dinner. Then Saturday evening Bob will arrive. We're going to check out the Natural History Museum and the Science Museum... boring but cool stuff like that. I am excited. Yay!!!! |
| Today, during stretching, our instructor played this song. I've heard it before and thought it was a lovely song, but it has never had quite the same meaning for me that it did today. Of course, it isn't all applicable on a word for word basis, but the idea is there. Lots of people ask me if I wish that my life had been different. Of course, I wouldn't choose to have gone through some of the things I have, but at the same time... who would I be? If God or whomever had told me the things that would happen when I was very little, and gave me the choice to change it all, I probably would have. But then, would I be here? Would I be the person I am today? Would I have the few deeply cherished people in my life that I do? I don't know. So, yes, maybe I could have missed the pain, but then I would have missed the dance.  Our lives aren't just better left to chance, they are also better when we take the chances/risks and dance.Not to mention that part of the song reminds me of one of the single best nights of my life. LOL Of course, that didn't all just end in pain. The dance goes on, just a little different, and in the end far better than I ever could have dreamed that night. That was an excellent chance taken. The Dance Garth Brooks Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance |
| I started going to aqua fitness classes yesterday. So love them. I have had so much fun. Anyway, I was in the shower, washing my hair after my class today and I realized that a year ago I couldn't even stand up long enough to have a shower. I had to sit. Today I... walked across the parking lot, signed in, etc. got changed, went in and did a 45 minute class, did 15 minutes of stretching, got out and was in the shower without getting off my feet for a minute. That's amazing to me... and then the really cool realization hit...I am amazing! The men who haven't wanted me are foolish. LOL They will never do better than me. Here's why... I am capable of anything. If I want something, there is nothing that can stop me from getting it, or doing it... whatever. They will never find someone who will ever live up to me. LOL I know, I know... it sounds egocentric, but really, how rare is the combination of smart, creative, spiritually together, healed, supportive, non-judgemental... all the things that are me? Pretty damn rare. They will never find someone who can love them with the same depth that I can, someone who will love even the ugly, angry and hurting bits... With the same determination to make their every day happier than the one before... with the same dedication to working through things and compromising. Someone who will love their whole family and be as dedicated to their happiness as they are themselves. Who is as able to raise strong, healthy -- both emotionally and physically -- kids. So, what the heck is wrong with them? LOL Why don't any of them see this stuff and act? Are they waiting for the outside package to be small, surgically tightened, boobs lifted, etc? Because if they are... when I get there... I am not going to be the slightest bit interested in them. If they weren't there for the journey, I have no time for them then or now. And that is what I realized in the shower today. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! |
| Okay, if you are squeamish, you may want to just avoid this entry because I am going to get a little personal. LOL I have a small problem. About one day every couple of weeks, I have very little, and sometimes no control over the muscles that help you hold it when you need to pee. It isn't all the time, and it happens about one time and then things go back to normal by the next morning. Usually happens in the evening. It has been happening since I was a little girl. So, why am I telling the WDC world about this? Found out today why it happens. It's important I think for people to know this stuff even if it is kind of going to gross you out. Basically, it boils down to the fact that a six year old girl's anatomy in the area of her reproductive tract/urinary system is very small. When large things are forcably inserted, damage is done. Considerable damage when it is done over time. In my case, it is a little weirder. The terrible truth of the babysitters... we had two teenage boys who babysat for us when I was about 6-7... brothers. They were not good young men... they had a bit of the kick kittens psycho thing going. Anyway, they taught my abuser what he was doing, but they also liked to use sharp things. Not like knives or what have you... but like... I remember vividly the scream I let out over the broken off end of an ear piece off a pair of sunglasses. Anyway, one of these games did some damage to a nerve. According to my doctor, this damage is responsible for the troubles that have plagued me infrequently ever since. It doesn't affect me any other way, and it is completely safe for me to have intercourse, etc. now... it was just a really bad thing to happen then. So, if there is any chance at all that a little girl you know has been abused... and not just by sharp things... make sure that they sooooooooo get checked out. She shouldn't be going to the doctor and finding this stuff out when she is 37. The damage isn't all mental and emotional. Now onto the great news! Woohoo! |
| Yep, tonight Bob -- y'all remember Bob? -- and I started hatching plans for a weekend in the big city. LOL Ottawa... ooooo.... ahhhhhh.... Hey! it's big for around here. Yep, we're going to be two hicks living the highlife. Hotels, clubs, mini bars... you name it, we probably won't do it. LOL Separate beds of course. We're pals with no intentions of ever being anything else, but it will be great to have a pal to just do weird and crazy stuff with. Like... look at the parliment buildings. Hehheh. Kimberly is a good friend but she's got Kevin and the baby. Bob and I are mostly free... his son is old enough to look after himself for a couple of days. Woohooo! I'm looking forward to it. |
| Spent Sunday and Monday bouncing back and forth into the hospital and back out again until 2AM Tuesday when they got tired of filling out new paperwork for me and just admitted me. Let me go this afternoon. Wooohooo!!! But man, will I be glad to see the end of this gallbladder. But I will say that sometimes even excruciating pain has its upsides. LOL But of course, I will not share what those are with you. But, here's a hint... it's not the drugs.  Demerol makes me hurl... delicate and dainty little flower, ain't I?  Anyway, I am free and alive and not in pain, so it is all good. Last week it was my paypal account, today I found out that while I was in the hospital, someone broke into my ebay account and listed a John Deere tractor. Yep, a tractor. So, ebay figured it was a fraud and shut everything down. Yay for that! But Boo for having to change all my info. It really is becoming a huge pain to deal through ebay these days. I need a better way to make a living. Oh yeah! |
| to flee has me in its grip. I know running doesn't make things better, only worse. I know that I am past that stage and yet... All I can smell is the worst, most nauseating, most overwhelming stench in the western world. All I am breathing is filth and mold, and mouse and dog feces... When I can breathe between sucking on my inhaler. I got home this afternoon and my room had been coopted as my mother's computer room. First thing that happened is that I bumped my painting table which had been heaped three feet high in crap and dumped her half cup of stale coffee all over my bed. Welcome home. How did I ever live like this? It's not like anything has changed radically. They are the same people, the exact same number of dogs live here... Actually that is part of the problem. I came here to help mom out because she needed money and I couldn't afford to keep two households running, so I gave up my great apartment in the city and moved out here. Nearly two and a half years later, I have poured thousands of dollars into this home, and they are further in debt than ever. It is a bottomless pit. What am I supposed to do? Donate the rest of my life and all my money to this cause? When my brother moved from England and had nowhere to stay, I let him move in with myself and Kimberly (the person I have been staying with this past week). He lived for free and we shared the costs of the apartment. I bought his food. Then he couldn't get along with Kimberly, so I moved out of there into another apartment in the same building, taking on all the costs myself. We lived like that for a year. He kind of looked for a job, but he was too good for most jobs doing manual labor or what have you... so I supported him completely, right down to his cigarettes... Now he is off in Germany with his family. Still not working, but they manage to survive somehow. I have never and will never mention any sort of debt to him. I didn't give him that time to get himself together with a price tag attached. I understand why people can't help me out the way that I help them out. My life is adaptable, and I am willing to adapt it to whatever I need to in order to help someone out. Other people do not have that luxury. Still, sometimes I would like to be taken care of. I know, I know... noone can ever expect to be taken care of, and I don't expect it. I really don't. I have taken care of myself since I was 6 years old, and I can continue to do so. Just sometimes, I would really like to feel safe. I've never had that really, and I think it would be a nice feeling. Pssshhh... no one ever really gets that, do they? It's all just silliness. I am here and I just have to live with it until I can find a way to bring my business back from oblivion. I just need to stop railing against it, and accept things the way they are. Stop being such a bloody malcontent. Lots of people all over the world have it worse. I'll survive. |
| *sigh* I hate it there. I hate that for whatever reason, God or the universe or whatever has decided that my business is supposed to go belly up... I have listed 270 items in the past two days... 7 have sold. This is very very bad. I am trapped. In every way shape and form, I am trapped. And I hate that most of all. I have never really felt trapped before... at least not since I ran away from my parent's home and started this crazy trip. I've been more broke before... but I always managed to find a way to keep running and not be trapped... Now, I'm not running, but everything I want... even the tiny things seem so far out of reach. Am I to never have what I want? Is this it? Is this the best that will ever happen? Or am I heading for another crash? I hate crashes... LOL I hate quite a lot tonight. Going home, getting locked back in the prison of stink and barking, and filth and screaming... that'll do it to me every time. |
| Yerp, have to find a way to live in the city. I am not a huge fan of city life, but I want to be able to get to the Y and stuff. I want cable internet. LOL I am back at Kimberly's for a few days. I wonder if they will notice if I sleep in the cupboard under the stairs. LOL Too funny. Mike came online for a few and then vanished very quickly. LOL After the email I sent him two days ago, I think my communication problem with him is over. There won't be any more. Best part for him is, even thought I completely explained where all the issues are... including his very discouraging comment on my um... ahh... technique... of, "That was interesting," he can still totally blame it all on me.His family will really hate me now. *shrug* Oh well, such is life. *shakes in fear* Oh no... 4 people who live 1200 miles away think I am too fat and ugly for their son and then I broke up with him... what shall I do? Man, I am becoming a complete bitch.  I hate that. |
| mostly because I hate who I become when I walk through this door. Gone is the easy smile. My back goes rigid instantly. My blood pressure goes up... and I become angry. Not at someone... just angry. I hate being angry. Soooo much. So, I try to chill out, and eventually I succeed to some degree. kimberly wanted me to hold the baby as much as I was holding her at their house, but I told her no. A 4 1/2 month old doesn't need to be exposed to those vibes up close. But laughing with her helped. She is soooo damn cute. I talked to Bob tonight. LOL He and I met 8 months ago and have talked on and off over the months, but he never seemed interested. Then he took his alcholic girlfriend back and stopped talking to me entirely. But a couple of weeks ago he came back. He's a good man. We laugh a lot, and can talk for hours about nothing and everything. Tonight he was in rare form and cracked me up. I laughed until I nearly fell over. Too funny. Anyway, my friends helped pull me the rest of the way back from the unhappy place. I guess I get numb being here all the time... but when I come back... God I hate coming home. |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
