%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| So lonely right now. Can't really place why I am, it just happened. I just have the strongest desire to be held. To be wrapped up into the blanket of someone I love and be cradled and made to know I'm loved. I feel tears down my cheeks, but they are dry. I imagine that if I close my eyes I'll feel fingers brush my cheeks. That I'll hear the softest coo coming from one of the enchanting phantoms of my past. I wonder what the feeling of lying next to someone is. I miss what it means to go to bed knowing that you are slipping beneath warmed sheets next to your drooling partner. Sweet loneliness. You are my only bed partner this eve. |
So, interested in reading more blogs? Want to check out a friend of mine? She talks about boobs, and she has them. Figure it's worth a shot, right? ;) She's a published erotica writer, so give her a chance!
Go there, now! Write more later. Gonna go see Saw 2. Also, I feel so horrible I didn't give FireFly the chance it deserved while it was on TV. Have it on DVD and it is just amazing. Damn me. DAMN ME! |
| Slap #12 by the Scroll Police. West side, bitches. I got slapped for saying, "I know this is probably a stupid question, but..." That is stupid. That's right. I said stupid. It's not 'e' rated. I hear stupid in kids cartoons. How about you guys get the Kindergardners out of your ass for a second. Shit, even my friend who teaches kindergarden has never has a problem with a kid saying stupid. This happened to a newer member tonight. She was trying to explain "ciao" to someone asking if someone spoke Italian. She got slapped for it. Who doesn't know what Ciao means? It's "Hey!" or "Good-Bye!" in Italian. Just like someone saying, "Hola" or "Si". Do you really not know what that means? I was warned by veedoubleu: "And that's fair, just try to remember that people of all ages can open scroll." Is my saying stupid going to permanently scar the delicate psyche of a 6 year old? How about the fact that we can PLUG 18+ items in Scroll? Is it any difference that they can click to find a piece filled with sex and violence, but I can't say "stupid"? Oh well. I was going to write something else...but meh...sleepy. |
| Past couple of days since blog 100 I've actually began to have a loss of words for my blog. That is hard to imagine, I know, but true. I had two interesting discussions tonights, one branching off the other. The first was a discussion of what is love? Specifically, the love between a couple. The second one branches off the Philosophical concepts of a question like this, which lead to self-sacrifice and what I feel that means. The talks about love really began to turn into a Philosophical view through susanL. I asked her to describe what she felt love was. She simply replied that love was something complicated and grew moreso with age. I questioned her why she felt that way. Was it truly love that became more complicated, or was it the expectations of the people that we love? She replied that it was the expectations we have of people that make it so. In her view she felt that love becomes something of a choice. Whereas initial love is something that kicks the wind out of you and takes you for a ride, there comes a point later in a relationship where you find yourself deciding if you truly love this person or not. For instance: do you love someone enough to have them treat your poorly? That kind of thing. I asked her a few other questions, mostly things like, "How do you describe love the emotion?" It's always an interesting topic, and it lead me to discuss my ideas on Socrates. I'm unsure if many of you follow Philosophy too much, but Socrates is considered to be one of the greatest thinkers in history. He was the teacher of Plato, and nearly all Greek Philosophers fell in line behind. His views on knowledge was simple, "He knew nothing." He spent his days going from person to person asking them, "Do you know something?" Every single one would say "Of course I know something!" He would simply ask what? His belief was that everything changes. What might seem like common knowledge then might not appear so 100 years later. Because of this, Socrates found himself in a great deal of trouble. He was brought in front of Senate and tried for these acts. All the senators had to vote for his freedom or death. I think all but two voted against him He was to die by poison. His students spent their last hours with him in his cell. They begged him to not take the poison and to give them the chance to let him escape. He shook his head and summed it up as being, "I believe in this system. This is what was voted, and therefore I shall recognize and respect their decision." He took the poison and spent the remaining moments of his life recalling tales of his life with those that stood with him. Humanity is not perfect. Human nature, as you all well and know is by far as treacherous as it is loyal. Yet, men like Socrates in that last moment show a level perfection that the average person will never achieve. It's moments like this when such characters will stand for their beliefs and permanently be etched into the hearts and the minds that learn about them. Another person like this was Jesus Christ. Through his self-sacrifice billions of people through the years have had a different outlook on life and the way they should lead it. It's these decisions that make these people extraordinary. In these shining acts they become something more than human. They become something akin to God. For those of you that have taken Vietnam History in your schooling days, I'm sure you have at least heard a word or two about the Vietnamese Buddhist monks that set themselves ablaze in protest of the war. These men simply soaked themselves in kerosene, sat down, and lit the match. When those watching put them out, they simply sat back down and reignited themselves. They didn't scream, nor did they attempt to put themselves out. In a lotus position they meditated until life left them in a flurry of ashes. Who today has that kind of moral courage? Could you be like the man in China who ran into the middle of the road, defying an oncoming tank from passing him? Would you give your life to show the world and the people within it the horrors of their governments? I'm interested in hearing what you all have to say on the subject. Feel free to comment away! I'm out for the night! |
| Shauna is going to be okay. With the assistance of all the antibiotics and fluids it seems like the infection is subsiding and that she will be able to come home tomorrow. So, unless things turn for the worst she will be home again soon. |
| I had to take Shauna to the hospital this morning. I left her at 5:30 so Kris could watch over her. Shauna might have to go into surgery tomorrow. They discovered that she has a sever kidney infection caused by sists. Lame ass. |
| Yesterday was a frustrating day. Thankfully it is over, and today seems to be moving a bit better. Shauna is in worse shape than she was yesterday though, and it has my parents concerned. She is running a 103.4 Temperature right now, vomitting, and is still complaining about the pain in her side. They're afraid she might have an unknown infection that is causing this to happen. She's been sleeping on the couch whimpering in her sleep ever since I came home. I've been hovering over her like a mother hawk might look over its children. I don't think I've allowed anyone to make a noise louder than a deep breath since I've been here. This blog is going to be rather jam packed. I figured I need to do something amazing for the 100th post in it. I've reflected on life a lot in the past couple of days. Has it really been almost five years since I graduated High School? More importantly, who am I now that I wasn't then? As I wrote in this blog a week ago I feel like I've rushed back into myself. In the past few years I had become so lost as I moved in different directions to try and obtain what I felt I needed to. Parents, friends, girlfriends all caused me to lose something. It wasn't them of course. It was me who chose to lose those things. Yesterday things were cleared between me and my mystery relationship that it was nothing more than a temporary fling. She was going to be getting back with the man she loved. A bitter pang in my heart would love to lash out at all of it, but I just hope she will be happy. The aftermath is me now sitting here feeling more like myself than ever, yet with the sting of a fresh cut across my face. I feel that life has given me a temporary footing to jump off of again, much like the choice I was given at eighteen. I turned to drugs with that footing then, sending me to the place I am now. Drugs are off the map for me now. That chapter has come and gone, so where am I now? At its simplest, I'm a twenty-two college student still looking at two years of school ahead of him; give or take. I'm struggling through my current semester of school because I let my responsibilities faulter too much from my inability to properly contorl my emotions. I'm wanting out of my parents house, and I've never been so dead set on my writing. I've put a lot of consideration in going back to my roots: one of which being Martial Arts. I've gained weight over the past couple of years, and I hate it. I dont' feel it reflects who I am inside, and I refuse to let my the physical represent the spiritual. Since graduation my motivation and discipline has wained. I'm content to try and give myself every single thing I think I need, when what I need to be doing is cinching the belt just a bit tighter. I push through a whole week of school and I think to myself, "The weekend is here. I can sit on my ass the whole time if I want." Wrong. The mind constantly needs to be spurred into some kind of action. It needn't be as intense as a whole weeks regimen of school work, but it needs to be kept up. Otherwise, Monday will roll around and I'll do what I do now, "Oh god, I don't want to do this." Your mind, much like your body, is a muscle that constantly needs to be worked. I know you've all heard of this, but lethargy is caused by the human body being given what it seemingly wants: constant relaxation. Sometimes our lives, our emotions, carry so heavily on us that it feels like we need to be sitting, to be relaxing. It's at this moment though that we need to do to the opposite. Need to go for a walk, clean the dishes, do something simple that keeps the mind from completely falling into a state of mush. Granted, we all need breaks, but just ask yourself: "Oh man. I have to spend an hour over at the doctor's office after I get off of work. Now I have no time for anything!" I know I get like that. Even an extra grain on the pile can seemingly break me in my mind. Can't let that happen anymore. I've also put much thought into my nature. I joke with friends that Peter Parker raised me as a child. The truth is not too far from this statement, but the ugly reality is that I'm not Peter Parker. I'm not a Super Hero. I can't save everyone from others or themselves. It's called being a Pacifier. It's one of the typical roles a child of an alcoholic takes upon themselves. I try to ease the pain of others so that things never boil over. Outside of the home I do that for my friends, attempting to hold the burden they hold added to my own. I can't do it anymore, not unless I desire to kill myself in the process. A part of me would think it to be the noble thing, but in reality it's as far from honorable as possible. I want to do what Peter Parker, or Stan Lee, did for me: lead by example. I'll continue to help my friends, but not in the same way I used to. I want to show them how to lift their own burden and overcome it, but first I need to show them I can do it. I have people that rely on me for their future and I can't let my present suffocate me. Changing subjects ever so slightly, Writing.com has helped me prepare and work on these goals. I originally came to Writing.com two or three years ago. It was months before you were required to pay for an account that allowed you more than a handful of items in your portfolio. I couldn't justify spending the money on it then, and so disappeared from the scene until last May. Since my reinstatement I've met some amazing people. I would like to think that I have helped them as much as they have helped me, and if not, well, I'll make sure to work doubly hard for them so that they do feel that way. This is my fresh start. 100 posts, four years of life come to an end. My strongest desire is to stop looking back at eighteen and thinking, "That was the best moment of my life. There will be no other like it." To be honest, I'm not writing this to have a bunch of people give me the same old "You can do it!" comments. That's not what I want. Save those comments for when I can prove to you that I have done them. "Less talking, more action." That is my frame of mind right now. Viva la Revolution. |
| I wrote out like a 3000 word blog entry, and accidentally hit the refresh button. Fuck you karma. Fuck you in your ass. I'm out. |
| Rosa Parks passed away today at 92. For those who don't know who this woman is, you need to rectify that right now. Another great person passes into history. |
| For any of you reading this right now that has a White Castle within driving distance: I hate you. You people don't understand the gift god has bestowed upon you. Son of a bitch. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
