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The life and weirdness of Kim |
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Who is Kim? Heck, I don't know, but I am trying to figure it out. For the important facts, see: "Invalid Entry" 
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| Yep, that's me. I know things. I even kind of allow myself to understand them, but I don't seem to face the reality of what they mean until smacked in the face with them. Damn. I hate getting smacked in the face.  I have no right to be sad or hurt... none. And yet... |
| Still pissed as heck at Mike... "Oh Kim, I loooooveeee you, and need to talk to you about all my troubles, but can't be bothered to let you talk for ten minutes...." man. But other than that, feeling better. Just so no one emails me...  |
| First of all, let me preface this rant with the fact that I have had a crappy day, am in pain, and well, just generally have been driven to the edge by a couple of people this past couple of months. Not to mention the hours it took to judge all the RAW poems and then get cranky emails in return when I was just trying to help people for the next round. Not to mention that someone totally crashed my Paypal account today, so I can't list things, accept money for things that sell... nothing until I either find a way to undo it, or pay up 150.00 US. So, my day has sucked! It's good that I am heading into town for a week. Online life is wearing thin. Tired of being a real person no one actually sees as being real. I am not even a "real" business person. Can one stupid transaction shut down an entire RL business? I am tired of wanting connections and having them rejected... and I am not talking romantically here. Connections with anyone... My family doesn't even see me. I feel like I am becoming invisible. I just need some Kim time, so this week will be a good thing, I think. Get away from needing any attachment. I am good alone. I have always been alone. I just have to get back there. Then things will be fine. I have been invisible before. Liked it actually. I have gone through and deleted all the eager hopefuls from my contacts... I am not accepting any emails or calls. I don't know why I thought actively looking for someone would be a good idea. Just floods my life with people who don't see me. People who then reject me as soon as they do. Same old. Same old. Writing my devotion poem made me realize how hollow anything else it. I don't have time for that in my life. I like where I am... internally, and with the person I wrote the poem about. And if a friend deserves and earns that devotion, and I am okay with that being friendship... romantic hopefuls seem sad and pale indeed. For example: Tonight... someone I have listened to ad nauseum... particularly when I was there, visiting, just blew me off. I needed to talk.... I needed someone to listen... and they just blew me off. With a platitude no less. "Don't worry, things will get better for you, I promise." First of all, how lame. Second of all... how the hell can anyone promise anything will get better for anyone else?And how the hell does he know what it is like to be me? He's never actually listened to a thing I have said! To just want something as simple as someone to love me... What it is like to love people and have it turned back on me every single time... how can he know? That's it. It has always been too much to ask. Everything has always been more important. For my Dad it was everything. My mother, taking care of herself. My friends... the way they appeared to others. All I want is to be important to someone. Important enough that they don't run away or blow me off or put taping a TV show ahead of me. Important enough to listen to. How does he have the first clue about how hard it is to stay happy living this life of complete crap? But things will get better... he promises. FUCK THAT! The Kim is permenantly out of business. Doors closed, no going out of business sale... just going back to being a hermit. Life is good as a hermit. See you around the woods. |
Sometime during the middle of last week, I was lying in bed, waiting for sleep, and all of the sudden I was hit by the most incredible feeling. *NO! Not that one you pervs*... *but close*  I felt sexy. LOL Understand, I have never felt sexy. Ever. I have hoped I was once... the night of the really tight jeans and the tragic Christmas incident, but I have never just felt completely and gloriously sexual in my own body. I have to say I liked it. A lot.  I was always afraid that it was weakness... that if I ever felt that way, I would feel vulnerable. The truth is the complete opposite. I felt strong. It was the impetus I needed to get back on track whittling away at the excess sexy.I have noticed a difference in the way I walk since then. Head up, shoulders back, hips moving. DAMN! LOL No schlumping from here to there. Nope, this chick is strutting! I work out nearly every day. I dance mostly because I find most other solitary fitness activities too dull to continue for long. So, yesterday... oops, nope, it's Monday... Saturday I put in the music and danced for 32 minutes and could have kept going for a while longer, but didn't want to end up being set back. So, I did 32 minutes of aerobic activity when a year ago, it took me literally 10 minutes to convince myself to stand and walk the 15 steps to the bathroom. I now jump up and strut here and there. I go shopping and don't have to look for the chairs. I have come a long way baby. A year ago, I was afraid of so many things. It's kind of sad. I had all the desires and fantasies and such of a "normal" woman, but I was ashamed and scared of them. Now I have been completely naked in the presence of a man who well... was completely appreciative of that fact and took advantage of it, let me say. LOL Not to mention that he was also completely disrobed and I took good advantage of that. Mwahahahahaha!!! Through pushing what I thought were limits consistently this year, I have gained a true appreciation for the fact that I have a very healthy, adventurous, and yes, kinky sexual side. I am woman, here me meow! LOL |
| Yep, that's me. Beating back the sleep monster. Gradually, with the emotional weirdness going on in November and December, my sleep schedule became later and later until I have begun going to bed about the same time the rest of the world is getting up. So, tonight I am trying to stay up straight through until tomorrow night. Yep, that's the plan. Soon, I will begin reviewing raw poems again, but I thought for now I would bring my blog up to date. I write blog entries in my head nearly every day... I just never actually stop and type them out. So, I will do so here and now. |
| So, since so many people didn't post entries for RAW, I decided to go through and do reviews of the entries. I am 18 in. Most of my comments have been to put more emotion in and to explain what I mean by that. For the most part people really are trying to get it in there, but sometimes they end up telling me about the emotion rather than making me feel it. Not that there is anything wrong with that... it just isn't what Raw is about. Sometimes I haven't understood somthing about the poem... the speaker's actions, or some issue of clarity. I have received two replies so far explaining what is happening in the poem and why the person is acting in a certain way. I feel as though if the poem needs to be explained... that says something is missing from the poem. So rather than explaining it to me, maybe the authors could look at how they could have made the person's actions clearer. LOL Oh well. Only 30 to go. Yee haw!!! I have so much to write about, but that will have to wait for tomorrow... got to get as many of these done before I pass out as I can. {There you go Elisa.  Explained better this time. I forget when I write in my blog that it isn't just a diary for me, it is a public forum where everything I write is open to interpretation and debate.) |
... I said in a poem.
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| Couldn't be much happier in my own skin than I am today. LOL I am a whack job, aren't i? Yesterday I went into the city and bought fabric for my new business venture... making clothes for overweight women that they don't have to be embarrassed to go out in public wearing. On the way home, I got a gallbladder attack. man it came on fast. By the time I got to the turn off to home, the pain was to an 7.5 out of 10. So, I kept on driving until I got to the hospital in Mattawa. Four hours and lots of drugs later, my parents had to come in and drive me home. LOL Felt like the world wouldn't stop turning, but made it through the night. Today RAW started up, and so every three minutes I was answering another question, or fixing something on the page or with the contest. But, a good first day if busy. I think I am happy today just because I had the chance to feel what is important to me. There is a vast center of happiness inside me... I like being able to touch it, and climb in and just enjoy it. That's what friends are for. *sighs happily* I need sleep. I am sooo tired. Bye bye! |
| Pretty self-explanitory, yes? I have to go into the city in about 7 hours... and sleep won't be happening anytime soon. I should be happy. I got what I wanted with Mike... exactly what I wanted. We ended so that he realized the rightness of the ending so that he isn't hurt. Not to mention that an estranged friend and I made the first, tentative contact in half a year. I missed this person a lot, and would be glad to have them back in my life. And here I am at nearly 4 AM... being a big freak. There is something to be said for knowing that out there someone loves you, even if it is screwed up love. Okay, time to stop being a freak. Got to watch a movie or something... Maybe I'll sleep for a little while. |
| I have been seeing a man for 8 months. I have cared about him, even loved him, but I have never been in love with him. I tried to be, but I guess with the people I have loved this year, my heart is worn out. A lot of mileage has been put on the old Kim's soul this past year. Tonight I convinced Mike that he's just as well off without me as I am without him. It's a good thing, and yet... I am crying... what the heck is wrong with me? I guess it is the same thing as last night... just mourning what I wish I could have made happen for me and within me.Days like today I feel like my life is absurd. I have talked to my best friend... the person I love above anyone alive... for a grand total of about 3 minutes live... our glances have never even met. All of my friends but for one are all but invisible. I sit alone in a crowd, wishing for just one person to reach out and touch me. I live in a single room in a house that I hate. I am crammed into a 10 x 10 space with everything I own in the world piled to the ceiling on shelves. I do something insane for a living, and never know if I will have money from one moment to the next. I am always trying to think of more absurd ways to make money. What the hell am I doing with my life? Why did I take 20 years to figure out who I was and get to this point? I'm tired. So very very tired. Maybe that is why all I want to do right now is tell Mike that I was wrong and agree to all the obnoxious terms he places on our relationship's future. |
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Congrats, Kim! Glad to hear your wedding went well. I wish you a wonderful marriage and lots of love for the both of you. 
