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 |  Zee Journal! |
| My blog. Journal. Documentary. Life. Sometimes. |
| Anyone read that "Sponsered Item: WHY DIDN'T JESUS GUIDE JUDAS MORE?" It's by Maurice A. Williams. This man is the type of man that scares me. What scares me is something like saying, "Homosexuality is a great offense to God." My godfather is gay, along with one of my good friends. They have been nicer than half the god fearing Christians I've met. Am I to believe that it is simply Lucifer in disguise guiding their actions? That because they are like they are they are innately evil? Does no one realize the possible errors of the Bible? It's believed that a Roman Emperor, not Christ or his disciples, that placed the stories of the Bible into their current configuration? How are we so sure that anything written in that book was truly from Jesus himself? Or let's consider the fact that there are sections of The Dead Sea Scrolls that have yet to be released for public viewings, and guarded so heavily that it is believed that they discuss Jesus in the twelve years the Bible doesn't discuss him. Ugh. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't believe in Jesus Christ as a God. I think he was an amazing man though. If he truly passed through the trials described within those ancient texts I have nothing but the deepest respect. Should we remove women's rights? Gay rights? Abolish our government and force every child to join a Christian-based curriculum? Is that What Jesus Would Do? Or would he have you choose to live your life with good intentions or what another group hopefully wishes you to believe? I have no idea if any of this makes sense. Anger welled inside me as I read that piece. If I spend the rest of my existence in Hell because I didn't call God, if there is a God, Jesus, then you want to know what? Throw me to the fire. I'll rebel with Lucifer. |
| Last night I went to a comedy show my mother's friend was in. My mother, Shauna, and I were the only ones to go. Shauna and I began to talk with a comedian there named Bruce. Great guy. Funny as hell. Bruce was asking us what we did and before I could say anything for myself Shauna says, "He's a writer." I think my face turned as deep a crimson as humanly possible without melting down. I'm not sure I'm confident enough to consider myself a writer, but it felt strangely good to be labeled as such. Still waiting to see if I get published. Hope that turns out. |
| I don't know why I put the title as boogers, but they are rich in protein. Remember that if you are trapped in the wilderness. Also, urine is rich in vitamins. As of now my mom is acting like nothing happened. She told everyone before I woke up though that she hadn't drank any alcohol. She won't dare say anything to me. Anyways. I'm gonna go poke things with a stick for a while. |
| I have to get out of this house. Period. A part of me thought that moving back in with my parents might be a good thing after being out of the house for roughly a year. I've been wrong before, and this time is no different. My mother is still struggling with her alcoholism. Tonight, a night in which I really didn't need this, she finds herself failing. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I thought she was just happy. Shauna sent me a text message on my phone, because she was sitting across the couch from me and didn't want my mother to hear: "I think she is drinking." I ask, "How so?" "She has a cup next to her." I stealthily sneak up to where my mom is sitting. On the window is a bamboo plant I bought a couple of days ago. I pick it up, admire it for a second, and then ask my mom where she thinks I should set it. She leads me into the front room, away from her chair and the glass. Shauna comes in, runs a bit of interference and I zip back into the kitchen to the glass. I lift it up. A green olive is inside it, and it stinks. Bad. I take a sip of it. It's like acid. A mix of olive juice, lemon juice, and a distinct flavor I know all too well because I got thrashed on it the other weekend: tequila. She comes back into the kitchen, and I'm leaning against the sink with the glass in hand. "What's this?" "It's just olive juice and lime juice. Here, I'll make you one." And so she does. I take a sip out of the one she made. Guess what, it isn't half as bad. I take it to Kris and Shauna who are sitting on the couch and make both of them try it. Kris tastes them, but chooses to remain like he always does: a ghost in these situations. Shauna tries them both and simply gives me the look. I turn to my mom and say, "Just be honest with me." Honest to her is, "I'm not going to be a prisoner in my own fucking house!" I picked up my laptop and went upstairs to my room. Shauna comes up a few minutes later and half-jokingly says, "Don't stir things up and then just leave." After she says that, I go to the loft and try to find the piece I turned in to publish: the piece about her drinking. Shauna stops me though, thankfully in retrospect. My mom passes through the hall and says, "I don't even want to talk to you right now." I, taking the bait, have a bit of wordage with her. I'm, of course, making her the bad guy. She yells for a bit, then goes into her room. Shauna and I continue to sit in the loft, both of us with a cigarette hanging out of the side of our mouth. I tell her, "She'll probably pack up her shit and say she is leaving. Depends on how drunk she is." Ten minutes later, my mom comes out of her room with a suitcase packed. Shauna looks at me and says, "You can't let her leave the house." So, I run downstairs. I tell my mom, "If you try and leave this house I'll call 911." She says, "I don't care. They can't do anything, I haven't been drinking." This is her calling my bluff. The worst thing I could do for this family is call the police. She has already had one DUI, two will cause such a abyss I'm not sure anyone would crawl out of. For a moment though fate smiles upon me and she darts to the bathroom for an instant. I grab her keys, her purse, my keys, Kris' keys, the Blazer keys, and anything else I can imagine her using to peddle herself out of here and dart back up the stairs. I stop for a moment in front of Shauna just to say, with my hands in prayer, "Please, please go to your room." I duck into my room, throw all the shit in the closet and fall onto the bed. I quickly apply my headphones and begin to blast some music as I hear, "What the FUCK did you do with my purse?!" Moments later, when I'm hardly capable of hearing myself groan I can hardly make out her banging on my door, demanding her items back. She went down, and I saw my cell phone glow to life. I turn it off. She slams on my door one more time, then I hear her stomp off into her room. So, now, at 4:04 in the AM I sit here typing this all up. I'm 22 years old. The only time I should be having to deal with this is if I begin to do this to myself. I shouldn't be putting myself into this situation. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Hopefully, like every other moment of her life, she won't remember the night before. |
| Last night was hilarious. I could type two save my mother's life, and the worst part of it all was the fact that I was sober. I could see being drunk off my ass, but I wasn't. I'm a natural retard. I finished reading Bleach Volume #9 last night. I love that series. Ichigo is a bad ass. I'm actually going for my annual clothes shopping day. It only happens maybe once a year. For some reason I'm the type of person that can find better things to spend his money on. I.e. video games, books, porn, torture devices, fuzzy dice. Doom tonight. Still haven't beat the game, but I'm almost finished. Hopefully it keeps the creepiness. I'll talk with you all later. |
New member here in Writing.com that I talked to in scroll. You guys should check out this piece, and the rest of his port. Make him feel special, like Jesus. Just less nails, wood, and thorns.
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| I bought the Jamiroquai album: "Travelling Without Moving". Great album. I'm digging it. Very different. As a late Birthday present I purchased Michele some books: "The Dharma of Star Wars", "Tao Te Ching", and "Chobits: Book 1". "The Dharma of Star Wars" is a great book for people curious about Buddhism. Gives you a simple and familiar way of understanding Buddhist beliefs. The "Tao Te Ching" is a book explaining the beliefs of Daoism. "Chobits" is just a manga that I thought she might have really liked. Talking about Manga, I purchased Volume 9 of "Bleach". Bad assery at its finest. Zanbatto, bitches. |
| Michele of http://www.bloglines.com/blog/MicheleRobinson/2005_10_20 fame, was recently interviewed out here in Arizona for the Cancer walk, which you can find here: http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/mesa/articles/1020m-sisterswalkZ11.html... Her sister and her are two amazingly strong individuals. Those two kids deserve a certification to have their lives be perfect for the rest of their days. Today is susanL's B-Day. Her blog is here:
You should definately go wish her a Happy B-Day. Otherwise, you'll cause starving children in Ethiopia to die. You don't want that on your conscience, do you? Every moment you don't go see her blog and say Happy B-Day, babies die. And so do kittens. For shame...for shame... |
| In the course of the day I have accomplished in no particular order: -School -Spiritual Counsiler. -A sympathetic ear to a friend. -An inspiration for blogging. -A chauffer. -A confused person. "Please don't let this be the Tequila talking." I asked that same question myself. Am I stupid? I find myself wondering if this is what it must have been like for Eve to have plucked that forbidden fruit. To know that of all the things she couldn't have was nothing more than an arm's length away. Is it true that the sweetest fruit is the one kept under lock and key? Or is it sweet because it is the least tasted? I'm just second guessing myself tonight because of being tired, but this evening was rough. I learned she has began taking antidepressants. The same ones I take, actually. Is that because of me? I talked with a close friend of mine about it all, and I couldn't help but to be a smile from ear-to-ear the whole conversation. Yet, does she do the same? Now, after some time has passed I've began to discover that I didn't protect my heart in the ways I should have. I long for her. My heart begs for her to be next to me. I'm afraid I will push her away if I ask her to talk about it. It's hard, like you all know, to lock away those emotions. To keep that smile on your face, even though its faultering, so that maybe, just maybe, she might not see your heart fading. I understand the choices that I made, and accept them. If this is to be my punishment I take it with a proud heart. I just wish, for once, that maybe things could go a bit simpler. A little easier. Why must we always be pulling our pack up hill? I'm not sure if my friend will be seeing this, but she knows who she is: I hope that life smooths out for you. Life is chaotic and unsure right now, but the knot will untie itself soon. Just keep working at it with patience and a clear mind. "Only in Dreams" by Weezer You can't resist her. She's in your bones. She is your marrow And your ride home. You can't avoid her. She's in the air... in the air In between molecules of Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide. [chorus] Only in dreams We see what it means. Reach out our hands. Hold onto hers. But when we wake It's all been erased. And so it seems Only in dreams. You walk up to her. Ask her to dance. She says, "Hey, baby, I just might take the chance." You say, "It's a good thing That you float in the air... in the air. That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces." [chorus] Only in dreams We see what it means. Reach out our hands. Hold onto hers. But when we wake It's all been erased. And so it seems Only in dreams. [chorus] Only in dreams. Only in dreams. Only in dreams. Only in dreams. Only in dreams. Only in dreams... In love I am the greatest fool, yet I would have it no other way. |
| ...inbetween molecules of Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide...Only in Dreams, we see what it means. Reach out our hands. Hold on to hers. But when we wake, it's all been erased. And so it seems...only in dreams. Listening to my favorite Weezer song of all time. Coincidentally it happens to be the most painful song to me that I can imagine. What is Strength? In a comment, L.E. had asked where the strong person he had seen gone. How do you define strength? I'll put down a few words that come to mind when I think of strength. Determination. Respect. Responsibility. Persevearance. Honesty. Loyality. Understanding. Empathy. I am at one time or another all of these. I am at others the opposite. Sometimes I do them for lesser reasons, and others for greater. A lot has happened in the past few days that has caused me to look at life in a far different light. Things I didn't quite understand or accept as good have now taken on a new life. Parts of me that I once considered to be shameful have taken on a whole new light in my eyes. A friend of mine said to me about a week ago: "You are interesting." I asked her why she said that, and she replied: "Because you hold back everything you desire." I've prided myself on thinking that I have always been a pretty open minded person, but once she said that to me I began to see those bonds. The bonds I hold against myself in every aspect of my life. Bonds of fear, bonds of shame. Ways I'm always holding myself down. Too afraid to struggle against them. This has echoed what so many people have said in so many different ways. "If you let fear hold you down you'll never accomplish anything you want in life." Take a chance, take a risk. Let the chips fall where they may. Just do it. All those wonderful little phrases that people like to say to spark action out of the timid. I did and for once I was liberated. In doing so, I removed balance from myself. Let the scales tip. In my excitement and uncertainty I came here to my blog and made comments that hurt some, disappointed others, and generally seemed to have a negative backlash against me. And so I come back to Strength. Today after the worst of came my way I decided I needed to take a step back from my blog, to evaluate exactly what I was trying to accomplish with this piece. I've received many, many comments and e-mails from a wide variety of people bringing their own views and support into the mix. My first instinct was to run from all of this. Let the negative comments scare me away from one of the things I truly enjoy doing. Allow it to scare me from being afraid of my feelings and my emotions. I will always put into this journal what I think. Sometimes the truth hurts, as they say. Unfortunately, there needs to be balance. In situations where I might find myself hurting those around me I do need to take a gentleness to the subject that I may normally not take. I am a strong person in a lot of aspects, but I am weak in others. I am not perfect, but I am not typical. Life is changing again. It's finally changing, and for the better. I know this is the "Everlasting Blogpost" but I want to touch base on another important topic of my self-discovery this weekend. What is it to hold ourselves back? Think about the things you hold yourself back from. Here are some of the things that hold me back: -Fear of succeeding. -Fear of myself. -Fear of my sexuality. Last Friday all those things came conveniently to a crossroad. Friday I turned in my first piece for publication. I have no idea if I'm even in the running, but to be sitting there by that mailbox I couldn't help but to sit and ponder, "I feel I have a piece that could make it." I never thought it would happen. Silly, I know, but that was how I felt. The next was a fear of myself. As I've placed in my blogs before, I felt that I was grotesque. I gained weight, I'm balding, I'm graying, and I have no chin(damn family traits). I felt like I was quite possibly the most hideous creation god granted this world. Well, you know how this turned out. Here comes the racey 18+ section of my blog, and that comes into sexuality. This is possibly the number one thing the average "moral" person binds themselves over. We all fear what it is to be a pervert. It might be religious pressure, societal pressures, or our own views of our body and what it means to be sexual. Two very outreaching beings have kind of coaxed that part of me. It was a part that I generally, for all my talk otherwise, kept well under lock and key. I was ashamed of a lot of it. To many it makes you feel sick to have some of these desires, or that maybe you are being rude to the partner you are with. At least this is how I felt. I have had these people exposing me to all these different aspects of sexuality. Some I can secretly say in my head seem appealing, yet others that still make me go: "What the heck just happened? With what? And who?" Sometimes there are things I feel I want to indulge in, but then I pull the chains tighter and say, "That wouldn't be appropriate." I'm always holding myself back, and because I never unleashed any of those things I never quite understood exactly how freeing it was after you have. It's refreshing the feeling of being able to accept those aspects of your life. It makes you feel whole. Granted, I'm not saying to go out and make a snuff film. That's just wrong, but take a moment to reflect on yourself, on what you hold to be wrong and right. Think about how it might effect your life in both positive and negative ways, and I'm not just referring to sex or your appettite for it. Consider what it might take to push your borders. What might force you to take those steps. I know that it definately takes a good shove out of my comfort zone for me to think otherwise. Be it positive or negative. Holy crap, I think that is nearly the longest blog post. Ever. Love me or hate me, you're stuck with me. |
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